I Kick Rich People's Asses
I see a new career developing as a tough-talking, famous celebrity, speaking out against the shameful tactics of those in power where it'll do the most good, on high-profile late-night sports blooper shows, and endorsing ethical products only UNLIKE BOOSTER. Or I could even run for Mayor! I was dropping all sorts of hints to Ollie when I saw him that I should become the new Mayor of Star City, but I don't know if he liked the idea. Maybe he sees the responsibility of power weighing down my youthful shoulders. I can't blame him. It's only natural he should want to look out for somebody much younger and handsomer than himself.
(I should mention that the reason I was in Star City in the first place was to visit Ollie, because Ollie threatened to sue over the beard. I don't know if you can copyright a beard, but I do know what it's like to feel the touch of jealousy because somebody is better than you at everything and that somebody is Ralph Dibny. Or I can imagine what that must feel like. So I took pity on him and shaved.)
But the big news is that on the way from the train station I saw one of those upside down 'S' symbols like the one on my wife's grave! So instantly the case was open again thanks to my incredible detection skills. Obviously I had to pretend to Ollie that I was following a giant lead or he wouldn't have come along. I felt bad lying to the guy but I still got to kick down a door! Take THAT, you wallet-stealing fat-cats! Unfortunately nobody was home, so I had to pretend that this was all par for the course with these freaks. In the detective game you have to fly by the seat of your pants and roll with the punches, particularly if you're as brilliant as I am, but Ollie might not understand that and the last thing I need when I'm looking at a golden statue of Superboy with an immense Tom of Finland-size dingus dangling out is Ollie pointing his finger at me.
Seriously, I couldn't stop staring. What's with these people? I don't need to see Superboy's idealised schlong. It's not right. That wasn't the worst thing, though - the worst thing was when I turned around and saw a giant phallus with Connor's grinning face on top of it. It had veins. I almost couldn't finish my sentence. Anyway, after I threw up on Ollie he gave me the finger and left, but screw him! I don't need Ollie! I don't need anybody, because I'm the world's greatest detective and everybody else sucks. This case is as good as solved and then I'm dragging these wallet-stealing, obscene-statue-building scum through the courts. I'm unstoppable. I am Ralph Dibny. You have been warned, crime and criminals!
Oh, I almost forgot - according to Dr Willis, I'm in my 'manic phase' and I'm probably going to swing back towards suicidal depression. Apparently I need to start taking my pills again. What Dr Willis doesn't realise is that I'm a golden, glittering success and he's a pathetic, shoddy failure with an ugly, unkempt beard, unlike me - yes, I'm talking to you, you godforsaken shyster.
Watch your mouth, Willis, or it might be time for another consultation with Doctor Fist Punchington, MD. THINK ON THAT.
EDIT: Another postcard from Ram. He's now in Ibiza, 'raving to some wicked E and banging the honeyz'. So Mr. E has turned evil and teamed up with the Queen Bee. I assume. This all goes deeper than I thought.