Friday, June 02, 2006

The Bastard Sons Of Bitches Got My Wallet

I had a hundred and seventy-five bucks in there! Those god-damned corpse-worshipping ass-munchers. God damn it. I'm sorry, I've been drinking since nine this morning and I only just found an internet cafe.

Anyway, this is meant to be my journal for the whole week, so I should mention that this is all the fault of you Dr Willis. You god-damned quack. I know you're reading this.

I should have known something was up when I turned up at Dr Willis' office and saw that old guy being taken away in a straitjacket. He must've been 90 years old if he was a day - Stuart something or somebody Stuart. He kept yelling about how he lived through WWII because he could see ghosts. "I tried to tell them, General!" He screamed. "I tried to tell them how the tank was 'haunted'! How you were the 'ghost' of the 'haunted' tank!" I swear to God he was doing finger quotes.

"I tried to tell them you were there! General! You were real! Even your beard was real! Especially your beard! It was the most real part of you! I remember everything you taught me... how a brave man can outwit a howitzer in the face... how a well-trained horse is better than a thousand nuclear bombs... how the South will rise again and sweep the Yankee scum into the sea! Yes, General Jeb! I HEAR YOU. The black men must be kept in their chains for the sake of our noble Confederacy. FOAM FOAM. YIB YIB YIB."

And that was when six men came in and beat him around the face with truncheons. Sometimes I wonder about Dr Willis' success rate.

That said, apparently ol' Jeb back there was a minor abberation. Dr Willis was really pleased with how I was doing - apparently by investigating this whole vandalism thing I'm confronting my own deeply buried inner truth. Frankly, that was all I needed to stand up like the true hero I am and get my wallet stolen by a bunch of cultists.

I walked right out of there, confronted Cassie and her frigging monk sect, got half drowned because I was expecting a free massage and had my wedding ring stolen. My wedding ring from my dead wife. And my wallet. With one hundred and seventy five bucks and a credit card. So I went back home and sat around with my gun in my mouth for a few hours. Thanks Dr Willis.

There's some good news this week - I got in touch with an Internet Superhero who can help me with that bitch Loring who killed my wife and is now haunting my comments section. His name's Ram and he used to be in the New Guardians. This guy has been bringing cybernetic justice to the pick-up joints of San Francisco since the days of the Atari ST, and let me tell you he's just as powerful now as he was then. So your days are numbered Loring. Shake in your shoes, you wife-murdering freakshow - Ram is on the case! Or he will be when he gets back from The Horny Toad bar and grill, where he's been since last night. Apparently he's 'perfecting the technique of passing on his DNA' which is some high-level cosmic crapola, let me tell you.

Plus, I got a new apartment! I'm renting with this guy Bob Coleman. He's an architect. It'll be great! Like Friends. Wish me luck!

EDIT: It turns out Bob doesn't flush.

8 Comments:

Blogger jean loring said...

I'm the goddam Eclipso! I can leave comments wherever I want. Plus if you delete my comments you will totally be censoring me and denying me my right to FREE SPEECH! I thought you were a member of the JLA not a nazi communist censorerer.

Plus Hal goddam Jordan killed like way more people than me and everyone likes him now. Maybe in ten years time it will turn out that I was possessed by a giant yellow space beetle. You don't know that.

Bring on this Ram luser. I can kick his ass with my ill defined eclipsy powers any day of the week

btw if you have ray's cellphone number you can email me at jean@orbitingthesun.com. thx bye

5:57 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

SHUT UP LORING. You are BANNED from my comments section on a charge of MURDERING MY WIFE. And don't talk to me about nazi sympathies! Who's the true Nazi here, Loring? HMMM? I believe it to be the person who killed my wife.

And the joke is on you because I secretly don't like Hal all that much! I never did! He's really a very dull man. So I guess you don't know everything! Although you do know everything about KILLING MY WIFE.

STOP POSTING HERE. RAM IS ON THE CASE.

10:11 AM  
Blogger Sebastian said...

This thing rules. I hope you find the vandal and get your wallet back.

12:13 PM  
Blogger jean loring said...

Hey Ralph, you'll have to let me know your new address so I can send you Ram's charred smoking remains! Blue Screen of Death! Fatal exception! This superhero has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down!

Only joking, I'd be too scared to kill Ram in case all the other New Guardians came after me. No! not the floronic man! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh wow, I never liked Hal Jordan either. I'd always try and avoid him at those painful JLA cheese and wine parties that Dinah used to organise. I only went to those as a favour to Ray, back in the good old days before he started boning those microscopic barbarian chicks and had me committed to Arkham Aslylum. Those were the days...

7:09 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Well, I never understood the whole 'tiny women' thing... I mean, I assume you knew about that fetish? He had a special cupboard up on the satellite with 'specialist magazines' full of drawing of huge naked men and tiny naked women. I ended up with a big fat box of this stuff when we moved to Detroit JESUS CHRIST WHY AM I HAVING THIS CONVERSATION!?!

YOU KILLED MY WIFE SO STOP POSTING AND DON'T PATRONISE RAM, HE'S VERY CLOSE TO SHUTTING YOU DOWN!! VERY CLOSE INDEED!!

10:04 AM  
Blogger jean loring said...

Of course I know about Ray's little hobby - how do you think I knew how to operate his shrinking device in the first place?

That's why I had that affair - it was just a relief to be with a guy whose idea of foreplay isn't for me shrink to 5 mm in height and hack through his body hair with a machete....

8:19 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

You just gave me one more reason to destroy you Loring.

12:25 PM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:56 AM  

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