Friday, June 23, 2006

My New Beard Makes Me Look Dignified

It's a keeper. I mean everybody used to say that I could only grow a sad haze of fluff there, but now I'm a jet-setting, world-class detective and television star, I need a world-class Tom Selleck to match. And the new chin foliage is starting to look pret-ty stylin', let me tell you. I'm like the thin Orson Welles. I'm probably going to get maybe a pipe as well, or a watch and chain - something to really say to the world "Ralph Dibny is here! And one of you is - a murderer!" Take that, Audrey Steiner! (Audrey Steiner dumped me in college because she thought my moustache made me look like a hobo. Dr Willis knows all about it.)

Also, Booster can suck it. He can suck it on live television. And did! I think it's on YouTube now if you type 'booster sucks' into the search bar.

Basically, after all the promises he made in the comments section, Skeets never came. Meanwhile, things with Bob have totally deteriorated. He peed in the kitchen sink last night and the dishes were still in it. He goes in the shower too. I mean, where did this guy learn manners? He keeps muttering about how there's "things about me you don't know, super-cop" and how he's going to get revenge on Uncle Sam, which I assume is some kind of tax-related thing. I don't know. He's starting to really freak me out.

Anyway, no Skeets, and I still need a decent lawyer. So I decided to play it cool and went over to Booster's place to flash him my new beard. I made up this thing about how I'm investigating the theft of my wallet so I didn't seem needy, but seeing Skeets floating around doing nothing when he could've been evicting Bob - well, I got pissed off and started calling Booster a famewhore again, which he totally is by the way. Although who's the famewhore now, Booster? Eh-h-h? It's not me, buddy. I'm a respected television celebrity and talking head. Call me if your career ever recovers, babe.

Oh yeah, also I shoved his head into the wall.

I kind of realised while he was standing there that his whole thing is being from the future and since I'm a World-Famous TV Celebrity now, (suck it Booster) that means my wife would be in the history books as a famous celebrity murder or something. So obviously I attacked him. Dr Willis says I need to keep these violent impulses in check, but he's only saying that because I broke his nose that time.

Anyway, I was totally on a roll, so I gave him this huge speech that I can't remember now about how he's a giant famewhore. And then he's all in my face about not having the stretch powers, blah blah blah, thanks for rubbing it in Booster, and then he has to do some boring rescue stuff or stop a riot or something... and then the coolest thing in the world happened! You can go watch it on YouTube, but suffice to say I saw the opportunity to totally stick it to Booster. And get some of that sweet, sweet celebrity cash in the process! Who's the man? I'm the man! I was like 'All cameras! All microphones! Here! Soak up the sweet beard action of Ralph Dibny, the World-Famous Elongated Man!' I swear I was getting an erection. It was like the first time I ever hung a giant sign on my back saying how world-famous I was.

I notice since my live television debut some folks have called me a hypocrite, and Dr Willis seemed really disgusted with me for some reason when I told him how great it felt to screw up Booster's life, but let's face it, every word I said in my new status as famous television commentator on current events was true. Booster is a total famewhore and I'm not afraid to say so on any television, or while holding up any product. I've already got a two-minute slot on "Steve Lombard's Late Late Sports Bloopers Show" (3.30am Tuesday on GBS) to talk about how much Booster sucks, and I'm sure I can parlay that into worldwide fame soon enough. When I started, all I had was a purple costume and a big sign to go on my back. And now I have a beard.

That's what happens, Booster. That's what happens when you owe me $230 and you don't pay up. Think on that.

EDIT: Another postcard from Ram! This one's from Jamaica. He's apparently found 'the most powerful herb ever', so I assume he's talking to Swamp Thing about a way to reach Loring through the astral plane. That's a hero you can really count on, Booster.


Blogger jean loring said...

I wish Ram would get a move on. It's so boring orbiting the sun. If my black evil diamond wasn't WAP compatible i don't know what I'd do.

btw Ralph, I'm loving the look. I hope your new career as a geography teacher is very fulfilling for you.

7:11 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...


Don't think I've forgotten about you just because I'm a world-famous TV celebrity and talking head. And don't think Ram's forgotten you either!

8:29 AM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

I HATE YOU RALPH! HATE YOU!I can't do anything about what you did, so I'll tell you your wife is rotting!

Maybe I'll go and rescue Jean, or something, and make a "Ralph hate club".And don't you think I didn't noticed the things that disappeared from my house when you left!

BTW, love the beard.

Skeets turned out to be with the pie eater Ralph Dibny of Kentucky.

7:26 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Mmm, pie eating in Kentucky. I understand that's a viable career for a failed celebrity pitchman, Booster. I wouldn't know of course seeing as how I am an astonishingly successful celebrity, and talking head.

And as for things disappearing from your house, that Official Booster Gold And Skeets Salt And Pepper Shaker Set With Built In Booster Gold Digital Clock Alarm Radio WAS MINE. YOU stole it because you gave all YOUR complimentary copies of your terrible tie-in merchandise away to loose women in exchange for sexual favours. Have fun in your Hate Club, because Ram's going after you next about the matter of two hundred and thirty dollars. MY TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY DOLLARS.

Count the days of freedom Booster, because I'll be seeing you in court soon enough. So there.

7:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow looks like we have a new Heroes in town

I am definetly going to have to come back :)

btw want to join Heroes United? with the rest of us :)

10:18 AM  
Blogger Iceman said...

I'when you saud " Booster sucks " I din't think it was to be taken he really did !!!! Arrrgh!!!!! My eyes!!!!!!!!

12:55 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

God damn it we ARE having an interdimensional crisis. I've not recovered from the last one yet and now I'm being asked to join the Mormons by one alternate reality and accused of perversion by another. IT WILL NOT STAND. I'm siccing Ram on every last one of you crazy bastards.

4:25 PM  
Blogger jean loring said...

O yes Booster come and rescue me! Since I turned evil I'm all sexy looking like Pat Benatar and will sleep with anything - even a giant rampaging ghost thing and definitely a lithe young studmuffin like yourself.

I promise I won't trick you into destroying all the magic in the world or getting revenge on my numerous foes or anything.

8:43 AM  
Blogger Green Arrow said...

Ralph, I gotta say, I'm pretty steamed at you right now.

Now, I know you're going through some tough times. Your wife died. That's heavy, man. Your Sue Lady had class, Ralph, real class - and one fine onion, too. Man, don't I know it!

And I was there for you. But then I don't hear from you in weeks, until one night, when I'm watching TV, and there you are on every channel, a 'world-famous celebrity and talking head', wearing a goddam BEARD!

What the hell? That's my thing, man! MINE!

Normally I'm not the kind of guy to resort to lawyers and this country's rich-man's so-called 'justice' system. But goddammit I will! Lose the beard, Dibney, or I'll sue your goddam widower ass!

4:18 PM  

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