Friday, June 09, 2006

This Week I Ate A Sandwich

Which doesn't sound like much, but let me tell you, it was a really amazing sandwich. I just picked it up at this random deli - it was Cantonese-style barbecued pork with three different kinds of lettuce and tomato on a fresh-backed sesame seed roll, and the bottom of the roll has sesame seeds in it too. How awesome is that? The only problem is that I kind of forgot that the bank was still trying to sort out my credit card, so I had no money on me, which basically meant that I had to grab the fresh sandwich and run out of the deli shouting "Write to the Justice League Satellite! I am a superhero and there's an emergency!" That used to work when the satellite existed, kind of, but it wasn't working now because this old chinese guy chased me for about six blocks. Eventually I ducked into a big office building and lost him. I had to eat my sandwich in their breakroom - this big metal box of a place - and thank God the lady in there didn't say anything.

But I didn't have any time to be embarrassed because the TV was on in there and it was all Lex Luthor talking about crazy superpower drugs. I had a mouthful of sandwich and when he said 'every man and woman can be a superhero' in his special President Voice - he's got a President Voice and a Car Salesman Voice - I spat it across the room. I mean, this is the return of the stretch powers we're talking about. I was seriously already rehearsing cool things to say in my head, like "You're going away for a long STRETCH Loring" and "I hope you can STRETCH to doing some time for murdering my wife because you're totally going to".

Oh, and guess what? It turns out that lady in the break room used to work in a diner, and one time Lex Luthor drove up in a big limo and offered her a whole wad of cash to be his sex slave! How bizarre is that? She actually thought about it for a few minutes - I mean, we've all seen Indecent Proposal, and this would've been like Fat Proposal or something - but then he drove off. Apparently to this very day she can't help wondering about what kind of drugs he was on. True story! Anyway, she kept the security tapes and sold them to the National Enquirer when Lex was President - used the money to move to the city and get a degree in Information Technology. Now she puts away 50k every year. Good old Lex, huh?

Anyway, the return of the stretch powers. Leave it to Dr Willis to rain on my parade like a jerk made of rain. "Ralph, I worry you've placed too much of your self-worth in having amazing superpowers blah blah blah blah." Apparently he thinks there's some Freudian implications. Oh really Dr Willis do you think so. Boy I can't imagine how the fact that I miss being able to elongate any part of my body led you to dive into the Freud. The man's a complete dildo. At least while he's babbling about penis envy he's not yakking away about the trickster god and the hero's journey. I don't care if he's dead, if I ever meet Joseph Campbell I'm going to send his head on a heroic journey into a toilet. The flushing symbolises the rebirth of the fertility god Mithras Joseph Campbell you giant nerd.

Oh yeah, speaking of flushing things, it turns out not only does my new roommate Bob not flush, he leaves big puddles of pee all around the toilet. I'd kick him out but he's signed the lease and stuff so I totally don't know where I stand. I need to get in touch with a Lawyer Superhero but the only one I can think of is some guy from an alternate dimension which fought our dimension once. It was completely insane - I was fighting this guy with a pipe for no reason and he knocked seven shades of crap out of me, and then our universes merged so I was suddenly The Elongated Fantastic and married to Susan Storm Dibny and had The Sun Boy Torch in my house - I don't know what the hell he was meant to be except he was on fire all the time which was terrifying. And Cliff Steele was there, only he was called Cliffben Grimmsteele the Robothing. This is totally the last guy I'd have living in my house as my supposed best friend because he utterly creeps me out. Every time I see him he introduces me to a new girlfriend and then takes me aside and says something like "listen, I don't want you to act funny because she used to be a man" or "I know she's twenty feet tall right now and her head's been replaced by a sun but she has a mental disability so please don't stare" - it's like he's flaunting it in my face how goddamned PC he is to be dating all these troubled women. And I wish Larry would make up his mind about what his genitals look like. Is he a hermaphrodite or isn't he? You can't have it both ways, Lar.

Man, this whole blog thing is really theraputic. I guess Dr Willis was right for once.

Oh yeah - good news from Ram. He's on a beach in Tahiti following a really important lead, so watch out Loring because you're going down baby. He sent me a postcard with all these women's asses on it and it distinctly said the trail was definitely getting hotter if I know what he means and he thinks I do. So that's good news, I assume.

17 Comments:

Blogger jean loring said...

I'm a lawyer you big stretchy clown! I'll give you some advice even though you're always so mean to me - basically you're screwed unless you want to lose your security deposit. oh well

8:33 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

You're giving me legal advice now? I've got some legal advice for you, Loring - DON'T MURDER MY WIFE. Oh! It's a bit too late for you to follow that advice, isn't it? Hmmm?

Stop posting here! You killed my wife!

Ram's not answering his mobile right now but when he does you're in serious trouble. Trouble spelled R-A-M. Murderer.

8:56 AM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

Hey, Dibny hello! Skeets found this site on the web and told me that if I said hi to you, it would increase my... er.. forget what I just said. I'm really really sorry about your wife.

Hello Jean!

8:30 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Hey! Booster! My good old buddy! Remember that last JLA-JLE team-up? I do! BECAUSE THAT'S WHEN I LENT YOU $230 THAT I NEVER SAW AGAIN YOU GOD-DAMNED FAMEWHORE.

Come on, let's see you part with some of the cash you made for having Ronald chasing Hamburglar permanently tattooed on your buttcheeks.

3:30 AM  
Blogger jean loring said...

Hello Booster!

I've got an idea - why don't you get Skeets to check his records of the future to see if Ralph ever stops whining like a bitch

8:58 AM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

I swear I gave the money to Jonn, because, I didn't have time. And I'd be happy to give you the money now, but, being a corporate hero doesn't pay well... really, I swear...

And skeets says there are no files of Dibny whining now or in the future. But he says that he may win a pie eating contest in the near future, but he's not sure if it's the same Ralph Dibny.

12:49 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

OH THAT'S MARVELLOUS. I don't even appear in the future records. Jimmy Olsen gets remembered when the Sun is a lfieless husk but I don't even last until Booster's measly future. And I'm VERY SORRY if I whine too much for your liking LORING but maybe if you don't like my whining YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE MURDERED MY WIFE!!

How many times do I have to say it? GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY COMMENTS SECTION!! This is so going into my daily report to Ram.

Booster, I want that money by the end of the month or I'm calling in a Lawyer Superhero, even if it has to be one from another dimension. And if you're going to get it from J'onn you can ask him what the HELL happened to his head. It looks like he had it lanced.

1:42 PM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

You DO appear, but not whining. I think. Also, I called J'onn, but he was busy. I bet he spent all his money in Oreos (buy Oreos, the best cookies in the world! Yum!).

And I warn you, Skeets went to college. He has the power of ten regular lawyers.

2:29 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

What? He has? Can we work something out? You don't want some sort of court battle. That would look bad for Opec or whoever's adorning your crotch this week. But maybe you could lend me Skeets to help with the Bob Situation and I could maybe forget, say, $50 of that outstanding debt. Maybe.

I scratch your back and you scratch mine, Booster. That's a metaphor we use in this time period for some mutually beneficient shady deal, it's not some kind of wierd come-on. I mean, no offence, I'm sure in the future everybody's much cooler about all of that stuff. But I'm not personally interested. Sorry about that anwyay the IMPORTANT THING is FIFTY BUCKS. Which COULD BE YOURS. In the form of only having to give me $180. Think that bad boy over, Booster. It's the kind of sweet deal that isn't around forever, if you catch my meaning.

4:03 PM  
Blogger Rick Tyler said...

Hey Ralph,
I haven't seen you since the Drug Dependent Superheroes convention in '03, but I was wondering why you don't just take some Gingold to get your elasticity back. Do you not have any left? You can use some of my Miraclo if you want to...the first hit is always free.
But I've been keeping tabs on what's going on with you (I know how tough it is to lose a loved one - I'm so sorry), and somebody told me that they saw your nose wiggle a few weeks ago. Were they wrong?
If you're in New York, give me a call.

11:32 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

I set up a blog for therapy purposes on the advice of my doctor and within weeks I'm bait for a pusher.

I'm sure you have been keeping 'tabs' you god-damned drug fiend. TABS OF ECSTACY. I was at that convention as an observer only! I was there on business. Cracking a mystery. The mystery of the crappy superhero called Hourman. If I was addicted to Gingold then the fact that I can't seem to get hold of it anymore would lead to some kind of drastic mood swings or something. AM I HAVING DRASTIC MOOD SWINGS? I THINK THE ANSWER IS NO PUSHER BOY.

That was a twitch, not a full-on wiggle. If I could stretch, I'd have been able to avoid having my wallet stolen. QED. And I'm never going to New York again if I can help it, mainly so I don't run into you hawking your wares on a street corner like your rubbish Dad. "Oooh I have super-strength for a whooooole hooooour..." Most proper superheroes have superpowers for TWENTY FOUR HOURS Grandad, that's why they're super as opposed to DRUG DEALING FREAKS.

3:56 AM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

So, who the hell is Hourman? Have I met you? An addict hero?

Ralph, I talked with Skeets, and agreed to give it to you one hour each day until you win your deposit back. But if you forget all the money you owe me and give me 50 bucks. Skeets is like really smart, AND can cook, program your schedule and other fun things. I think he is also a radio. Think about it.

Are you sure that wasn't a come on?? Because many people die for me. Even things without shape from the future, and cowgirls.

12:31 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Okay, we'll cancel the debt. IF! Skeets is actually useful. If he fouls up on me like everything else in my life then the deal is OFF and you owe me $230.

Don't think for a second you're getting fifty bucks out of me, Gold. This gadget of yours had better be working properly, that's all I'm saying. I'm taking a big risk here. Just watch yourself.

1:36 PM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

All right, you cheap bastard. I accept the offer. Skeets will fly there in the morning. Don't worry, he knows where you live. I hope...

4:37 PM  
Blogger Rick Tyler said...

Enough with the pusher cracks! (Get it? Crack?) Damn, I thought I got enough of that from my colleagues in the JSA...what's that...Dibny's not on a team anymore? I'm in the freakin' JSA dude! And come on man, didn't you used to push your stuff on Jimmy Olsen? It seems like SOMEBODY is suffering from a severe case of Gingold withdrawal (oh, and widowerhood - again, sorry about that).
But aren't you still friends with Underdog? And when was the last time anybody saw him? - I smell a mystery!

If you want, I've got some time off before my JSA gig starts...I could lend you my jet and you could take it down to South America to harvest some Gingold fruit. I'm sure that would help. If you need me, just leave a message at the JSA brownstone. Ma Hunkel will make sure I get it.

Use it or lose it, just don't abuse it. That's my motto.

And BTW, how long did a hit of Gingold work for you??? Tyler phamaceuticals has also been able to develop a compound which can extend the effects of Miraclo BTW.

Damn, PUSHER! It's been a long time since anybody called me that...sorry to rant. I know you didn't mean it, you're just going through some shit...I get it.

8:52 AM  
Blogger Rick Tyler said...

Ralph,
Something must be wrong with Booster's memory. Tell him that we met during Millennium, back when I was a member of Infinity Inc.
Rick

11:07 PM  
Blogger Rick Tyler said...

Hey, Ralph - I thought you were already a meta. Wasn't it proven that the concentrated Gingold extract wouldn't work on anybody but you (and perhaps Jimmy Olsen), and that, in fact, the concentrated extract would just about kill anybody else? Or did Superboy punch something - and now you've been demetahumanized?
Just wondering,
Rick

7:47 PM  

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