Friday, July 07, 2006

Oh God

I despise myself.

I was supposed to go on the TV this morning on the 'Steve Lombard Early Early Morning Greatest Sports Bloopers Of All Time Show' (6.45am on GBS) to give my list of which ten superheroes are the biggest famewhores but I just couldn't face it. It seems like this week all I could do was look over and over the events of my pathetic, wasted life.

I was telling Dr Willis that when I think back now over my early adventures, it's like all the color's been drained out out of them. But the thing that really hurts is that everything I got up to in the early days just seems so... cheap. Like all those years of solving mysteries put together isn't even worth seventeen bucks. Or twenty-three dollars Canadian. Just a bunch of cheap thrills about painting horses purple or far out crooks who jigsawed Flip Philips' long green. Whatever the hell that means. I hated Flip Philips then and I hate him now. And I hate myself. A lot.

Once upon a time I lived to solve strange and bizarre mysteries. Now the only strange and bizarre mystery is why I should get out of bed in the morning. And this time it isn't a fake mystery my wife cooked up to celebrate my birthday. Because it isn't my birthday and my wife is a charred corpse.

Dr Willis told me I should start taking the pills again, but he's probably trying to poison me. Like all the others. He thinks I don't know about the eyes watching me, but you need to get up pretty early in the morning to catch Ralph Dibny. Actually, you don't have to get up at all. I haven't yet today. The point is, Dr Willis is a lying bastard who's trying to pump my brain full of an assortment of dangerous mind-frying chemicals to cover up the fact that he's the worst therapist ever. In fact he's the worst human ever. Apart from Booster, that is. He's the actual worst. Apart from Bob, who's the actual actual worst. He defecated in the microwave yesterday, but I can't find the willpower to clean it out. When I confronted him about it, he told me that the day of the super-do-gooders was over and now crime would rule the city, which seems like a fairly pessimistic viewpoint. I guess he's as depressed as I am.

I'm going to go and stick my gun in my mouth again. I've gotten around the taste problem by coating the end of it with honey glaze and sticking a chupa chup into the barrel, so hopefully I'll actually pull the trigger this time. So I guess it's goodbye forever.

EDIT: I haven't pulled the trigger yet, but I did get another card from Ram. He's in Las Vegas now, apparently snorting crack cocaine off the breasts of a C-list adult film star. It sounds like some pretty deep undercover work to me, so I hope he's okay. He's probably going to need some extra money if he's going this deep into danger so I sent him $1000 out of my checking account. I don't need it, because this time it totally is goodbye forever. So goodbye forever, everybody!

EDIT: I still haven't pulled the trigger yet and I'm out of chupa chups. But I will. Soon. Goodbye forever. I mean it this time.

13 Comments:

Blogger Rick Tyler said...

Dude,
It sounds like Dr. Willis isn't helping you at all. Why don't you give my therapist a call. His name is Roger Huntoon. Google him if you need any more info. He actually takes an interest in superhero cases, so I think he might work your case pro bono.
And then you could go to Lex Luthor and give him whatever money you save to have him turn you super, just like I heard he did to John Irons.
Take care, man.
Rick

4:07 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Huntoon, eh? Well, he does seem like an accredited quack. I mean shrink. Maybe I will give him a try next week if nothing comes up. If I haven't pulled the trigger by then, I mean. I still probably will though. I mean it.

Goodbye forever!

4:26 PM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

PULL THE TRIGGER, DIBNY!!

OR AT LEAST FIND OUT WHO SUPERNOVA IS! HE IS A FAMEWHORE!

I HATE YOU, AND RICK, AND SUPERNOVA, AND YOU, AND RAM.

I EVEN HATE SKEETS! He gave me the wrong directions to get to Loring, and I ended up lost this whole week.

11:27 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Oh, so you want me to pull the trigger, do you, BOOSTER? Well in that case, I will. So there! That showed you. I hope you sleep well tonight, BOOSTER, with my brains spattered all over.

And besides, I told you Skeets was evil! Goodbye forever!

3:21 AM  
Blogger J'onn J'onzz, Martian Manhunter said...

Are you dead yet, Ralph?

8:49 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

No.




Goodbye forever.

11:17 AM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

Martian, you owe me money... GIVE ME THE MONEY!!

AND RALPH, WOULD YOU JUST DIE ALREADY??

2:41 PM  
Blogger Green Arrow said...

Hey there, Ralph.

You're still feeling a little fragile, aren't you? I can tell.

I just wanted to let you know that you did the right thing to come and pay your respects to me in Star City the week before last. Mind you, I notice you didn't tell your readers that I had to chase you down four blocks and shoot you with a patented electric shaver arrow. Still, you gave in real quick and admitted your error, and I appreciate that.

I enjoyed talking with you about the old days, Ralph. And one of the things it got me thinking about was your beautiful Sue Lady. I've noticed things about you - little things - that tell me part of you still misses her, don't you Dibney? I guess I'm something of a detective too!

Anyway, it got me to thinking about the time you were off in Europe solving the mystery of the missing marquis, or something or other, and Dinah, Sue and I blew down to TJ and had us a time. Man. When she let her hair down, your Sue Lady could really party, Ralph!

When I got home after our talk, I even went through my old albums and sure enough, I've still got the photos. I think you should have them, Ralph. I won't post them on-line, out of respect for your beautiful Sue Lady, but pick them up soon, okay? And if you want to reciprocate the nice gesture, while you've got your cheque book out why don't you make a donation to the Oliver Queen Mayoral Fighting Fund?

There's a good man.

And stay away from the socialism, Dibney. That stuff's mine too.

4:19 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

I'm not even going to dignify that with a response. Particularly not the response of taking this gun and HUNTING YOU DOWN LIKE A DOG! Because that would legally implicate me in what I'm about to do. Which isn't hunt you down and put a bullet through that beard of yours, oh no.

GOODBYE FOREVER, Ollie. FOR ONE OF US.

6:25 AM  
Blogger Rick Tyler said...

Ralph,
Booster is really starting to annoy me. I agree that you should pull the trigger, but I would recommend that you do so with the gun in HIS mouth.
(Don't worry, I know some great attorneys too. Mental anguish and all that...)
Your friend,
Rick

3:40 PM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

I hate you all.

9:54 PM  
Blogger jean loring said...

oh hi Ollie,

I still have your handcuff arrow, blindfold arrow and water-based -lubricant-arrow from that weekend where we were trapped in the luxury apartment while Ray was hunting the Subatomic Subhuman or something. That was his story anyway...

yes, those were some good times Ollie you old dog. I hear you are single again! Call me!

Ralph! Get a grip!

9:42 AM  
Blogger Fanboy said...

This is great ... or not. Sorry Ralph. I ran across this site for the first time after you left a comment on mine and it's now one of my faves. Ralph, you may want to try some alternative medicines to approach your depression.

11:29 AM  

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