Thursday, July 27, 2006

Swamp Thing Is A Massive Asshole

He's obviously got a Time-Looker-Forward-Tube or something, because just as he predicted when he opened his big mossy mouth in my comments section, I ended up in goddamn Philadelphia and now I'm wearing a 'ceremonial robe' in the shape of Superboy's foreskin and blogging in front of a huge stone sculpture of his face with a giant replica of his super-schlong flopping out of his mouth. A statue with built-in wi-fi function. So it seems Compost Kid can predict the future by a couple of days. Which is evidently far too much power for a man with oregano pubes.

I mean, seriously, what would you do with a glimpse into the future? Would you be out there saving lives? Or getting loads of sweet corporate cash like Booster Famewhore? Or would you be dicking about with another guy's free will? I know what this is about. He wants to be my friend. He wants to be part of my team. I've seen his blog, the whole thing seems to be an extended fantasy about how all the superheroes love his fungus-infested ass. With a few naked shots of his wife for good measure. NOT SAFE FOR WORK. Well, here's a message direct from the team leader of my super teeeeam, Captain Carrot. THERE ARE NO MORE PLACES AVAILABLE. IT'S A TEAM OF ONE. IT'S CALLED RALPH DIBNY. HEADQUARTERS ARE MY CLOTHES.

Don't try that again. If I want to know what I'll be doing on a Thursday, I sit around and wait like decent people. That goes for the rest of you, especially you. You know who you are.

Anyway, if not for that goddamned cryptic warning about going to Philadelphia, I wouldn't be in Philly right now. Sitting on a stone representation of Connor's hackysack.

Basically, as soon as I heard that, I got this stabbing pain right behind my eyes and decided to get as far away from Philly as humanly possible, which meant either China or Deep Space, and Deep Space is full of complete assholes. So I decided to head for China. That is where the bizarre chain of events that I have decided to call 'Swamp Thing Blows Goats I Have Proof' began.

I honestly forgot that they have superpeople there these days. And those superpeople have been pretty much tasked with keeping all the other superpeople out of China. And since I've gone around telling everybody that I can still stretch like a fiend if I felt like it, I'm on the list. So rather than being met at the airport by a friendly limo driver expecting a ten dollar tip, I was met by a member of the Great Ten EXPECTING TO KICK MY ASS. And succeeding in that expectation.

It was a heavily pregnant woman in some kind of wheelchair! How was I to know I was being attacked by Chinese state-sponsored superpeople? I was almost beaten to death by more than twenty people and they all came out of her... I can't say it. Trust me, it makes sitting around on a representation of Superboy's overemphasised bits seem positively mundane. What kind of world are we living in where somebody's superpower is to give birth to grown humans who kick me hard in the face?

Anyway, after I'd been 'restrained' - and had my beard shaved down to stubble in case it had drugs in it, along with the rest of my body hair - they put me on the first plane back to the USA.

Which went to Philadelphia.

You plant bastard.

Anyway, the first thing I wanted to do when I got there was avoid Cassie. To hell with the case and to hell with my wallet - all I wanted was a drink and some pretzels before I caught a flight right back to Opal City. So I head for the airport bar and she's standing right there! Of course cults infest airports! Of course it had to be her cult! Because Swamp Bitch can't be wrong!

So I panicked and ran for my life. I could swear I heard her screaming above the wind and the noise of the traffic, asking for more personal effects. Did I have other rings? Nipple rings? How about a Prince Albert Mr Dibny? Just get in the ol' drowning hole and we'll yank that sucker right off under the pretense of giving you a rubdown! Obviously I had to get off the streets, but I might have been remiss in grabbing a fire escape, climbing up five stories and breaking into the first apartment I saw. I figured I'd join some family at dinner, wait it out for a while and then grab a greyhound to the next state. At the time it seemed like a foolproof plan. I didn't realise whose apartment it actually was.

There's only one proper procedure when you break into the apartment of the very person you've been trying not to come into contact with for days, and that's to pretend it was totally what you meant to do all along. So when I heard Cassie come in I hurled myself into an armchair and started talking nonsense like my life depended on it. Thank God I had some Superman playing cards on me - if you hold them upside down, they look like evidence! It's little tricks like that that have put me at the top of the detective game. And kept me out of prison.

Anyway, she told me why she wanted the ring. At the time it didn't register that much - I had the face of someone with a couple of days jet lag and a concussion from being kicked in the head by a superfetus - but now that I'm sitting on a huge statue of Connor's family jewels dressed in some pretty sumptuous velour, I'm starting to like the idea more and more! I mean, who doesn't want their wife back from the dead? Apart from guys whose wives are still alive. And spouse murderers. Anyway, I'll be changing the layout a little to reflect the coming change to a new Dibny dawn of love, so next week this blog will be called Ralph And Sue's Togetherness Diary Of Happiness. That's if I have time to post! Geddit?

In fact, if you like Swamp Thing's blog, come back next week because this one's going to be a chronicle of well-adjusted married people in love just like it. How could it not be? I mean, they've got a guy called 'Devem'! That's like Devo with an M! I guess if Dr Willis were here he'd be telling me not to pin my hopes on something that is completely and utterly mad and undoubtedly is only going to lead to a further mental breakdown and yet another psychotic episode, but he's an idiot. Nothing can possibly go wrong. This time next week all my problems will be over and I'll never need a psychotherapist again!


Blogger Swamp Thing said...

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5:32 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

I don't recall my wife being dumped in a swamp. I guess your own wife - you know, the one you rescued a dog instead of - must've had different ideas on how best to respect the charred corpse of a loved one.

Good thing your wife isn't getting resurrected! LIKE MINE. If she was, it'd make you some kind of parsnip-based polygamist, which is a bridge too far even for a half-man, half-yam who takes naked photos of his nearest and dearest and posts them online for the world to declare Not Safe For Work.

And while we're on the subject of dwindling sanity - are you going to give us some warning next time you become a god and try to blow up the world? Because I really want to catch the next season of House and it'll be tough to set my Tivo if Legume Lad's gone and fried all of humanity in a fit of pique.

Also, Green Arrow's 'big fetish' is Munchausen Syndrome. Remember that story about how he killed a guy and went to a zen retreat to learn zen archery, only to be forced back to the stink, the foulness etc? Well instead of 'killed a guy' it's 'got drunk' and instead of 'zen' think 'titty bar' and you're about right.

7:56 PM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

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9:42 PM  
Blogger Kon-El said...

Whyis the Cult of Conner obsessed with my Family jewels? And why do they know My Secret id is Conner????? Arrrgh!

10:45 PM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:34 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Translation: Blah blah blah blah blah boring dull yawn.

And the cult of Connor is obviously obsessed with your meat and two veg, Connor, because you clearly were when you still had it. It was all you ever thought about, along with places to put it.

5:06 AM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:28 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

I got as far as 'Heaven' and realised this was another desperate attempt to make yourself interesting and important on my dime so I skipped the rest.

Here's the deal - you make up whatever deranged fantasies you want. The rest of us will sit here and totally ignore you. How's that, bitch?

You've had your last bit of free publicity off me, you sad little moss creature.

3:33 AM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:53 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Swamp Thing, ladies and gentlemen. Round of applause.

5:45 AM  
Blogger ? said...

Ralph, I'm a big fan. Been keeping tabs on your site for a little over a month. I have initiated another study on your current adventures, and would like your thoughts.

11:43 AM  
Blogger Green Arrow said...


This is the first time in a while that I've checked in on your blog, Dibny (I've been busy pressing flesh with the good electors of Star City - remember, vote in a new broom to 'Queen' up City Hall in November!) and I had something to tell you, but damn if I can remember what after reading Swamp Thing's crazy ass posts.

What's that guy smoking? I think I know what - he's been smoking himself. I'll admit it: years ago, I tried smoking Swamp Thing but - and I want to make this very clear to the voters of Start City - I did not inhale. Just say no, voters - especially to superhero plant elemental drugs! That's some ropey gear!

Anyway, where was I....

Oh yeah.

YOU'VE GOT A GOATEE NOW? GODDAMMIT DIBNEY! I can see the headline now, man: 'Bearded ex-JLAer assaults, sits on girl in park.' What are the voters of Star City going to think? Holy Hannah, man, GET RID OF THE BEARD!

I'll be seeing you in a couple of days, Dibny. You better be beardless.

And don't even think about stealing 'Holy Hannah.' That's mine too.

4:30 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

it's down to the stubble, Ollie! I look like I just came off the set of Miami Vice!

If you're coming round to the 'Superboy Circumcision Ranch' for coffee, then can we please have a moratorium on all those long, rambling fictional stories of yours? Like the time you said you were 'looking for your head on the twisting streets of the wild city' and then you 'ran into a conglomeration of human misery and despair with one name - RIOT!' And you heroically fought off the crowd but this one black kid 'took his last ride on the sky-train that runs through the cool blue hull of this Spaceship Mama Earth', which I took to mean he'd died. And then you looked into the distance meaningfully and said 'What can one cat do, baby? What can one cat do?' and allegedly that's why you ran for Mayor last time. That story lasted nearly four hours.

Anyway, the way I heard it from Dinah was that you forgot your keys and then got arrested trying to break into your own house, and you figured if you were Mayor the cops would probably leave you alone when stuff like that happened. I don't want to think why you're running for Mayor now, so don't tell me.

Also, you can't copyright "Holy Hannah!" That just leaves me with "Great Guns!"

5:07 AM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:20 AM  
Blogger jean loring said...

Listen up Swamp Thing - just because I am orbiting the sun doesn't mean I won't sue your sorry buttercup-infested arse for libel!

That story about the dirty photos and threeways etc was the stupidest thing I have ever heard! and that includes my excuse for accidentally killing Sue inthe first place!

As soon as I check that I haven't been disbaarred for being insane or whatever I'll get one of my associates to slap a writ on you faster than you can say "Lumbering Legumes"!

btw Ralph - are you finally going to stop whining when Sue comes back form the dead? I knew that would happen anyway - everyone comes back from the dead at some point. It's been character building for you - like a trial seperation or something. You ought to be thanking me really.

2:30 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

SHUT UP LORING. JUST BECAUSE RAM'S ROTTING IN FEDERAL JAIL DOESN'T MEAN I WON'T KICK YOUR ASS. In fact as soon as Sue's safely out of the ground I'm going to put you in it. For balance. So QUAKE IN YOUR SHOES!

4:12 AM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:42 AM  
Blogger jean loring said...

Ralph - you are 93 million miles away, with no superpowers, flop sweats and some kind of unfortunate facial hair experiment going on - please don't embarrass yourself by threatening me.

As for swamp thing - if there's anything less scary than being threatened by a giant bluebell, it's being threatened by the "ghost form" of a giant bluebell.

8:46 AM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:59 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

I really should accept a sweet deal like that - I can pretend to like anybody for sun-pushing - but I just can't do it.

See, Mr Mossbitch, you're like one of those nerdy kids who's desperate to hang out with the cool people so they around on the edge of the group making an idiot of themselves, and it's too funny watching you degrade yourself further and further in your desperate attempt to be liked to even offer you a crumb of acceptance.

Do you have wooden bracers on your wood teeth or something? Could you craft a really thick pair of glasses out of the special moss of the zambezi tree? I bet you could.

5:25 AM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:55 AM  

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