Thursday, August 31, 2006

I've Never Been Shot With A Tranquiliser Dart Before

It's kind of like playing paintball, only with mood-altering drugs instead of paint.

So yeah, basically Dr Willis got really angry with me, hunted me down like an animal and shot me full of Tamazepam. For something I didn't even do. I mean, there is such a thing as due process in this country, Doctor Vigilantism. Sorry my civil rights offend you, dude. Jesus.

Okay, so I ran around naked for a while. So I survived by eating berries off trees and stealing pies from windowsills. So I gave a few internet cafe users a cheap thrill on my occasional forays into civilisation. And yes, I'll admit, maybe I gloated unreasonably over Booster's horrific, painful death. Possibly I may have been a touch insensitive towards any friends or relatives he might have had. Perhaps. (If you are a friend or relative of Booster and you're reading this, and Booster left you money in his will, please remember that $230 of that money is rightfully mine.) But that doesn't mean that Doctor Punishment can just run up and shoot a high-velocity needle full of happy juice into my ass.

Damn, I'm getting really steamed. Time for one of the blue pills.

Anyway, sorry I offended you, friends of Booster. Actually, considering most of his friends seem to be dying like flies, there probably aren't any left to complain - I mean, Ted got shot, Dmitri was blown up or something and even Buddy's missing presumed dead in the depths of space (although he's been lost in space for a long time before that if you get my meaning. He's a couple of goats short of a petting zoo). Frankly, I'm pretty sure that if Sue had ever told Booster to his face what she thought of him, she'd be alive today. (Hey, how about that, Dr Willis? I managed to mention Sue's name without oh god christ

Sorry, I had my gun in my mouth for a while there. Time for another of the orange pills! Dr Willis has turned me on to the the benefits of taking my medication regularly. According to the packaging, if I have too many of the big pink ones my heart might stop, but an extra dose of sanity-sweets never hurt anybody, right? Right?

Where was I? Oh yeah, the reason Dr Willis turned into Judge Prozac. Apparently he figured I was responsible for shaving Ollie's beard off last week, the sole reason being that it's something I've fantasised privately about for the last eight years. There's a thing we have in this country called innocent until proven guilty, Doctor Robert Lynchmob.

Anyway, it turned out it was the All-New Beard Hunter, who's a hot chick now. She used to be a bearded lady at the circus, but she lost her beard in a tragic depilatory accident and now she's decided that if she can't have a beard neither can anybody else, so she came up with this plot to steal the beards of the Justice League, only she sent one to Dr Willis by mistake. Happens all the time.

One by one, the beards fell to her power! She got Hal Jordan's horrible sideburns from when he was 'on the road' about eight decades after it was cool. She stole Superman's beard from one of those times he was off in space and had to grow one for some reason. The Flash tried to grow a goatee once. Where is it now? Being used to power a deadly ray, that's where!

All the super-powered beards went into a beard ray designed to wipe the beard from every adult male in the western hemisphere and then transfer all that beard growth to her so she'd grow a giant beard and be Queen Beard of the Universe. As evil plans go, it was fairly straightforward, which was nice.

Anyway, it was probably the biggest crisis to hit this planet in its entire history. Every superhero on Earth got together to fight the beard threat - Jesus, what am I telling you all this crap for? It's not as if you don't know about it already. It was all over the news. The only way you could possibly have missed it was if you were in space for five days.

Still, you probably want to know how we managed to end the threat - by uniting all the souls of Earth's heroes into one giant Soul Patch, which faced off against her Evil Spock Goatee that she'd made with the spirit energy of Earth's villain population! Beard Versus Beard in a battle for the fate of the very cosmos entire! Finally she was absorbed into her own evil beard, becoming a huge cosmic energy creature, which always seems to happen during these get-togethers, although they're not usually made of hair with bits of food stuck in it. Anyway, we beat her up despite that and won the Crisis On Infinite Beards or Crisis On Follicle Earth or whatever we're calling it.

Ollie's beard sacrificed its life to save us all in a battle against Deathstroke's beard, so we buried it on a specially constructed Hill Of Heroism, in a shoebox. And then Dr Willis snuck up on me and shot me in the ass.

Nobody wants to think about how close we came to a world without beards, so it's not being talked about at all anymore on the news or the internet or anywhere else, but even if nobody ever mentions it again, I'll always look up at the stars and thank the Bearded God Almighty that - thanks to the courage and commitment of this world's mighty collection of hairy heroes - I'll always be able to grow a really excellent crop of face foliage.

Oooh, time for one of my pink pills!


Blogger jean loring said...

Those pills they give you in mental hospitals do give you amazing hallucinations, don't they!

When I was in Arkham I kept tripping out and believing that I was flying round in space with a giant ghost who was naked except for a big cloak, trunks and some pixie boots. We had to fight a talking monkey and a man made of quilts! It was pretty "far out"!

6:32 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

SHUT UP LORING. I've got no time for your pill-based giant semi-naked ghost fantasies! I'll tell you what's far out - YOU, far out IN SPACE orbiting the Sun! How do you like them eggs, LORING? HMMMM?

1:35 PM  
Blogger jean loring said...

I'm sure it isn't as much fun as cowering naked under a bridge snivelling over a straw dummy and having bizarre fantasies about Grene Arrow's body hair

but I try to make the best of it.

2:16 AM  
Blogger Joe Siegel said...


So, Ms. Loring, you're actually orbiting the sun? As in, physically?

I know I read a bit of that kind of thing in the archives for this blog, but I really thought it was more metaphorical.

Glad to hear you're back to normal, Mr. Dibny. I hope you do okay from here on out. Just keep on the meds, dude.

As for that fascinating tale about the crisis of facial hair, is the Oliver Queen you keep talking about the same one who's running for mayoral candidacy in Star City? And, if that's so, is he really Green Arrow?!

Seriously, if he IS Green Arrow, then this is weirder than that time I wrote that article about The Flash, left to get a donut, and came back to find that wherever I'd mentioned his real name, it had been replaced with "***** ****".

11:53 AM  
Blogger jean loring said...

Yes, I am actually orbitting the sun, which is a gigantic pain in my ass.

It's a long story but suffice to say that if ever I meet that Nightshade hussy again she's going to get a slapping that she won't forget in a hurry.

1:47 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Under a bridge, you say? Yes, I guess the beautiful Egyptian sunset could be called a 'bridge' if you were into poetic metaphor. And I'm sure this sweet-tasting pina colada could be called a straw dummy! And if by 'bizarre fantasies about' you mean 'a seriously bitchin' beard that looks much better than' then you've hit the mark! Keep on orbiting that sun, babe.

Joe, I know exactly what you mean. All my photos from back in the day have the Flash's face mystically replaced by the face of Keifer Sutherland, which is very cool as I can pretend I know him. And as for your point about the meds - that's a cue for one of my delicious pink pills! Yum yum!

10:11 AM  

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