Friday, August 04, 2006

Mr Dibny has had a slight setback.


My name is Dr Robert Willis, Phd, and contrary to what Mr Dibny might have told you, I have Phd's in Psychology, Applied Psychiatry and Philosophy, all of which are pursuits which edify and elucidate the lives of men. It's no secret that since the loss of his wife he's been somewhat erratic, and his refusal to take his medication has made him worse and worse with each passing day, but unfortunately an event this week seems to have triggered a descent into almost total psychosis. As I am the one who convinced Mr Dibny to begin this journal, and it is the only suggestion of mine that he has ever followed - including suggestions such as 'please don't hit me again Mr Dibny' - I feel somewhat obligated to continue posting on his behalf until such time as he feels more able to take the reins. I attempted to pacify him by giving him the laptop earlier, but he only got a sentence out before hurling it across the room and attempting to attack me in a fit of demented rage, so it looks like it's down to me to let you all know where Mr Dibny is and what he is doing at the moment.

He's strapped down to a bed in the Opal City Psychiatric Hospital, and he's foaming at the mouth and howling like some kind of baboon. More on that as it develops. Also, he seems to be very attached to the remains of a shop window dummy of some kind that's lying in the corner of the room.

I've only managed to get the vaguest idea of what the event was that sent him over the edge, but it seems to be connected with some sort of service for his dead wife, being held by the dubious cult he had (very much against my advice) made himself a part of. It seems that since the idea was to 'bring his wife back from the dead' (presumably a metaphor) he invited a number of other people who had previously been 'dead' (again, presumably a metaphor) so they could compare notes. I think he was planning to greenlight a TV series of some kind about it - I know he's been very active on the Steve Lombard Sports Bloopers Show recently, which I wholeheartedly approve of as Lombard's delightful parody of a beer-swilling NASCAR-headed booby places him as one of the great thespians of our generation. I watch his sublime broadcast daily. But I digress.

Now from what I've heard of this ceremony, I wholeheartedly approve of it. It seems like a brilliant theraputic idea - getting the bereaved to confront their feelings of loss head-on in invisible theater! Genius! I'm going to set up a similar 'cult' myself and try it on some of my other patients. However, on the day, Mr Dibny was sadly suffering from an attack of paranoia, which meant that he sought reassurance from the friends and collegues that he'd brought to witness the event. In particular, a Mr Jordan and a Mr Queen. I would have thought that any friends of a man with a severe mental disorder would think twice before goading said man into one of his periodic violent outbreaks.

Evidently I would have thought wrongly.

If Mr Jordan and Mr Queen are reading this, I'd like to point the finger of blame directly at them. You gentlemen, in your apparent desire to play a fratenity house prank, have sent Mr Dibny's therapy back years! If not decades! The man may never recover! What in God's name were you thinking? Using Google, I've discovered that Mr Queen is in fact running for Mayor of one of our neighbouring cities - doubtless this ugly tomfoolery is his idea of a mayoral campaign. Well it isn't mine, and the Star City Herald will be hearing of this in the morning, as soon as I can be sure Mr Dibny's vital signs will remain stable. As for Mr Jordan, I will be content with bringing proceedings against him in a civil court.

When I found Mr Dibny, he was under a bridge, clutching the aforementioned shop window dummy, with what can only be described as a 'lunatic grin' on his face. (I've been chasing him for weeks in a final desperate attempt to get him to take his medication.) He literally collapsed into my arms and apologised for calling me a quack and a charlatan! I knew then that he was at his breaking point. This is not the Raph Dibny who punched me in the face and slashed my couch with a straight razor when I accidentally insulted his dignity. This is a broken shell of a man! I hope you're happy, Mr Jordan.

This anger I'm feeling towards these overgrown schoolboys who've all but destroyed Mr Dibny's health is starting to take its toll on my own mental equilibrium, as the poets might say, and besides, Mr Dibny has begun shrieking again, so I must depart. I'll be continuing this journal over the coming weeks, so I can give reports of Mr Dibny's progress to the people he considers his real friends, such as...

Such as...

Well, I'll speak to you all next time, whoever you may be.


Blogger jean loring said...

Hello Dr Willis,

I am a very good friend of Ralph going right back to his days in the JLA. As a mental health professional I was wondering if you could give me some advice?

A friend of mine was recently incarcarated in an asylum for the criminally insane because of a petty grudge her husband held against her that got totally out of hand. She managed to get awesome cosmic powers of magickal darkness and escape and is now totally sane! - Would there be like a warrant or something for her arrest if she was to return to Earth?

The guy who put her away is now microscopic and unreachable by legal authorities (TOO BUSY BONING SOME MICROSCOPIC ALIEN CHICK I SHOULDN'T WONDER...) if that's any help. thx in advance


Jean xox

7:04 AM  
Blogger Dr Robert Willis, Phd said...

Dear Ms. Loring,

It would depend on the crimes your friend had committed. However, I can't see a reason why, if such a person was willing to submit to a thorough examination by an accredited mental health professional such as myself, any sentence should not be suspended on grounds of prior diminished mental capacity. But then, I'm no lawyer - just an accredited mental health professional.

It's very pleasant to see such a well-spoken and polite young lady commenting on Ralph's online journal. You're obviously a great friend to him, and if I have my way, he'll see a lot more of you! I'll let him know you've written in.

He's begun banging his head against the wall and sobbing for some reason, so now I must sign off.

Yours sincerely,
Dr Robert Willis, Phd.

8:23 AM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

Ha ha ha, Revenge at last, Ralphy!!


11:23 AM  
Blogger Dr Robert Willis, Phd said...

Ah, yes. Mr... "Gold". If that is your name. Mr Dibny kept me well aware of your dealings, and the only thing preventing me from calling the police and enquiring as to just when they plan to indict you for conspiracy is your obvious mental difficulties. Where does this constant desperate search for fame and glory come from? It's almost as though you've become a sort of 'fame-prostitute', if you will.

You obviously have serious issues concerning self-validation, and the fact that you seem to have adopted a fake name in your private doings as well as your superheroic existence smacks of a severe Oedipal conflict. It's imperative that you get yourself onto a couch forthwith, young man, or I cannot be held responsible for what becomes of you.

11:55 AM  
Blogger Green Arrow said...

Ollie Queen here, doc.

And let me tell you, Ralph isn't the only one suffering right now. No siree.

CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT DIBNY IS DOING TO ME, MAN?! I can see the headlines now: 'Bearded ex-JLAer hides under bridge, humps guy.' Can you dig it? That's poison to my mayoral campaign! POISON!

And jeez, can you at least get Dibny a better quality mannequin? Look, I know I guy, an importer - he can get you one. Real soft latex. Roy got one, painted it orange like that Starfire fox, took it to a Teen Titans keggers. Completely fooled them! One of the kids started to cry. Roy laughed his ass off!

Anyway, as for the rest of your comments, doc, I think this shows that I'm a helpful and generous friend to Ralph, despite what he hangs on me. So there!

Also, if you're out there Mason, don't think I didn't hear you ripping off my 'Holy Hannah!' at Ralph's toga party. THAT'S MINE! You better be able to morph into a million-dollar IP lawyer, because I am going to sue your sorry chemical ass!

5:19 PM  
Blogger Dr Robert Willis, Phd said...

Mr Queen, that disgusting tirade rather speaks for itself. I'm not normally a fellow who sends a man's private correspondence to the gutter press, but as Emily Dickinson said, "Truth is such a rare thing, it is delighted to tell it." And so I have been in coversation with the Star City Sport, where your comments will appear on tomorrow's front page under the headline "QUEEN IS KING OF THE SUPER-SORDID SEX-SICKOS: MAYORAL WARD TITILLATES TAMARAN TOTTY IN PLASTIC PLAYTHING PLOT!"

The money raised via this endeavour will help immeasurably in getting Mr Dibny the treatment he needs. Thank you very much.

5:59 AM  
Blogger ? said...

The 52 sends their regards to Ralph! We all hope that he feels better, and as a show of good faith will be buying 500 copies of the Star City Sport.

10:02 AM  
Blogger Dr Robert Willis, Phd said...

Bravo. I'm glad others are as appalled by the behaviour of Mr Queen as I am.

4:05 PM  
Blogger Green Arrow said...

Hey - back off, doc!

I've been busting up crazy cults since before you were shrinking skulls! I know how to dehypnotize a cult victim! If they're a lady, you kiss 'em. If they're a fella, like Ralph, well... I don't know... you bust shit up! I didn't see you had any better ideas!

No, instead you're at your desk in some office writing poison letters to newspapers in the twisted evil hope of killing off the best candidate for Star City's future, and its future's future!

Well, let me inform you, doc, you soulless square bastard, I just spent all morning buying every single copy of the Star City Sport! And who's suffering now? All the mugging victims who I might have helped if I wasn't going round buying goddamn newspapers, THAT'S WHO! All the hardworking red-blooded blue-collar joes who aren't going to get their saucy sports tabloid today, THAT'S WHO! The poor innocent chick on page 3 who's not going to get her big break as a dancer because I've just bought all her publicity, THAT'S WHO!

Well, once again it falls to Ollie Queen to make things right. I'm going to call that chick and ask her to be an assistant on my campaign. What have you done to make things better, pal? You've no right to call yourself a DOCTOR, doc - you don't even qualify as a MAN!

Man. Man oh man.

3:40 PM  
Blogger Rick Tyler said...

Dr. Willis,
I feel so bad about Ralph. I find myself feeling that I haven't been as supportive as I could have been, pandering to his psychoses rather than taking a firmer approach, and I'd like to know if there's anything you think I can do to help him out.
Do you think that he'd be up for visitors?
On another note, I feel that I should inform you that this Ms. Loring who speaks so politely to you is in fact the selfsame individual who so cold-bloodedly murdered Ralph's wife. That's probably why he was banging his head against the wall, but then again, I'm not an accredited mental health professional.
Please let me know if there's anything I can do.
Richard Tyler

12:33 AM  
Blogger jean loring said...


3:06 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

If I ever see you again, Ollie, you'd better hope I'm up to my eyeballs in tamazepam or I'm going to kill you. Understand? If I'm ever in the same room as you, and I'm not choking you until your trotskyist eyeballs fly out across the room and then stamping UP and DOWN on your head until it TURNS into a RED MIST - it's because I'm ON DRUGS. You filthy god-damned whoremongering son of a bastard bitch cockfarming hgggnnggrrrbbghhaahdslga144970bn 0bq

q4v 88pafaeg


1:33 PM  
Blogger Dr Robert Willis, Phd said...

Thank you for your kind words, Mr Tyler. You'll be happy to know that Ralph is improving dramatically, and now managed to muster a full three minutes of coherent thought before hammering his forehead into the keys until it bled. I understand you're some sort of drug dealer. That must be fascinating work. I'll bear in mind your accusations against Ms Loring and cancel the dinner reservation I'd made at the Twilight Rooms.

1:41 PM  
Blogger Rick Tyler said...

Dr. Willis,
Legal pharmaceuticals only, produced by my own company and fully approved by the FDA, I assure you! I prefer to think of myself as pharmacist to the super-hero set.
You do understand how Ralph has a tendency lately to blow everything out of proportion.

3:41 PM  
Blogger Dr Robert Willis, Phd said...

Ah, "legal highs". I get the picture - if the FDA hasn't regulated it yet, it can't be illegal, hence their tacit 'approval'. Such clever tactics make me have a new respect for our enemies in the War On Drugs. It may be ethically swinish of me, but I can't help but hope the police don't crack down on your 'company' too soon, Mr Tyler. Ralph needs friends with your quick wit and intelligence, wily and criminal though it may be.

Ralph disagrees with me on that last point - he's calling you a sleazy pusher and accusing you of wanting to shoot him full of 'the skezag' in a dark alley, all in a rather loud tone, but fortunately he can't contribute to the discussion himself at the moment as he's enjoying some 'quiet time' in the straightjacket. I'm sure he'll come around before too long.

7:14 PM  
Blogger ? said...

It's great to hear that Ralph is doing better. I'd love to write a article about what he thinks this whole '52' business is about, and how it ties into his current situaton.

Also, please reconsider Ms.Loring, she seems like a completely understandable normal woman who was under a lot of pressure lately.

11:50 AM  
Blogger ? said...

Additionally with your permission a couple of us are trying to start 'The Ralph Dibny Fund For Victim's Of Mental Damage Brought About By Apperent Friends.'

2:35 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

How much money do I get out of that? If it's less that $200, no dice.

4:51 PM  
Blogger Dr Robert Willis, Phd said...

WHAT MR DIBNY IS TRYING TO SAY is that he'd be quite happy to be the figurehead of any such charity. For too long, ordinary people have been kept down by superhumans, allegedly 'for their own good'. I'm thinking particularly of Mr James Olsen, who I'd have thought would happily be the 'poster child' for your campaign.

4:55 PM  
Blogger ? said...

What can I say doc, Ralph is hip. The kids love him and his facial hair. We here at the R.D.F.F.V.o.M.D.B.A.B.A.F. believe he's the perfect person for the hip new generation to relate to. As a show of good will we are donating our first 1 million dollars to Ralph, as well as a matched donation from a "Mr.J'onzz" of 1 million oreos...strange huh?

Anyway, that should be arriving any minute now, so keep your eyes open!

8:39 PM  
Blogger PenaltyKillah said...

You shall be hearing from my attorneys. Apparently, 52 seconds isn't even worth the Fourth Wall's New God-people.

*applauds and lauds*

3:51 PM  

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