Thursday, August 17, 2006

Ralph, if you're reading this, please turn yourself in or at least put on some clothes.

I've just heard from the Metropolis police department, Ralph. They're very busy checking for deadly radiation in the midtown area and giving everybody decontamination and they really don't have the manpower to chase a mentally unstable nudist. Also, the midtown Metropolis branch of Go-Go Luthor's Swingin' Coffee Bean And Internet Paradise Bongo Cafe (dear god, I despise that chain, it panders to the worst instincts of the culturally stagnant) called saying that you owe them three dollars and fifteen cents for the time spent on their machine before the police managed to arrive.

From what I understand of the chain of events, the police were informed that a naked man was rampaging through the above-mentioned internet cafe. When they finally arrived on the scene, the naked man in question - now identified as one Ralph William Dibny - had decided to slap his accoutrements repeatedly against a monitor screen with an enlarged image of poor Booster Gold's dessicated skull plastered across it, shouting - and I quote - "The sucky dance, is your chance, to do the suck. Do the sucky suck, come on Booster, do the sucky suck."

I understand that this is a mangling of a song by a group called Digital Underground. One of the police officers who held his gun on you is something of a fan.

I also understand that you extricated yourself from this hideous situation by hurling something at the arresting officers that is unmentionable in polite society. I refuse to go into further details on a blog which children may have access to, but I want you to understand how very, very disappointed in you I am.

Hurling your gametes is not the sign of a well-balanced individual.

Give yourself up, Ralph. I'm warning you, I don't take a personal hand in the affairs of my patients very often. I generally don't have to. But you're about to cross a line, Ralph. It's a line you'd rather not cross, I warn you now. Don't cross my line, Ralph. Walk the other way. In a metaphorical sense. In a non-metaphorical sense, any direction will do so long as it's towards either a police station or a reputable tailor. But the line is inviolate.

This is not an empty threat. Remember the words of Emily Dickinson, Ralph. "It is better to be the hammer than to be the anvil." Cross me again, Ralph, and I warn you that it shall be hammer time.

And nobody wants that.

7 Comments:

Blogger Green Arrow said...

Hey! I spotted Ralph!

He was over in the comments sections of daveslongbox.blogspot.com, carrying on about the Rocket Reds, communism and beards.

That's right! BEARDS! COMMUNISM!

Now, as a rule, this cat doesn't rat out his comrades, but I swear the guy is obsessed with me. ME! I'm posting this message just so everyone is hip to Ralph's fixation, and to cover my freedom-loving ass if I have to take this nude madman down!

Stay away Ralph! There's not a jury in the world that wouldn't dig it!

4:53 PM  
Blogger Superman said...

Ad people wonder why we voted in Roy in the leauge this time around instead of Ollie.

7:21 AM  
Blogger Dr Robert Willis, Phd said...

You may mock, but time and tragedy have proved Mr Queen completely justified in his paranoia. I can only express my deepest sorrow that we never saw the manifold signs of Ralph's spiralling mania, and my profound hope that some enterprising barber or wigmaker is able to aid you in crafting a replacement, perhaps using spirit gum and horsehair.

3:53 PM  
Blogger Rick Tyler said...

Superman is another who seems to have a feeble grasp of the apparent linear flow of time. In our current juncture in entropy, the Justice League still does not exist. Maybe NEXT YEAR he will pass on Oliver Queen, but as of yet, such decisions have not even been considered.
- Rick

9:24 PM  
Blogger Superman said...

I'm from the future

1:48 PM  
Blogger Rick Tyler said...

Right. Uh huh. Sure. Then you're certainly not the Big Blue I know. What ramifications this may pose for the future of the Justice League remain to be seen.

2:13 AM  
Blogger Joe Siegel said...

Hello, all

I was perusing the blogs on this site when, lo and behold, I came across one written by our own Ralph Dibny, "ductile detective".

I'm saddened to read about his weakened mental state and hope that he can recover soon.

-Joe

3:19 PM  

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