Friday, September 15, 2006

I Can't Pilgrimage 24 Hours A Day

I need to get a few more things done before I really get going on this whole pilgrimage thing, like furnish my new apartment and catch the new episode of Queer Eye. Is it just me or does Ted carry the whole thing these days? I mean, it used to be a fairly unbreakable Ted-Kyan axis, but since Kyan developed those heat powers and started fighting crime as Dr Inferno he's barely there in most episodes. He'll turn up in that horrible orange costume (nice work Carson), do a very rushed version of his usual spot and fly off again. One time he actually screamed "What do I care about your unsightly nose hair? I've just seen a universe die!" which kind of put a damper on the whole episode. I realise how the five of them are a brand and everything, but at this point I figure they need to cut Kyan loose and get a new grooming guy who doesn't -

Dr Fate, I am blogging. I'll be done soon. No, I won't be going to the airport after that. I need to organise the spare room. No, then I'm making some dinner. Look, you heard what Dr Willis said. I shouldn't be rushing into things at this stage. The world won't end if I take a week - well, I've only got your word for that. Look, we'll talk about it later, Doc, okay? Okay.

It's been like that for days now, ever since the flight from Egypt. I mean, I know I had to follow the holy path of the ancient Egyptian Lords Of Order but on the other hand, I absolutely had to resolve my apartment situation and set my digital recorder, otherwise I'll miss Deal Or No Deal. Don't ask me to choose between the final fate of the Earth we know and Howie Mandel, Dr Fate. You might not like the choice I choose to make.

Anyway, it turns out the mystical helmet of Dr Fate is a complete buttinsky and if you deviate from his anal little schedule for thirty seconds he moans into your mind constantly - even on the toilet. Pee time is me time, Dr Fate. Jesus, he's even on at me as I type this. Yes, Dr Fate. Sure. Okay. Great. Two thumbs up. Brilliant. That's perfect, Dr Fate. Now just shut your golden face and get back in the hatbox. Actually, if you're going to keep yelling at my brain like this, you can give me a hand in the spare room. Just use your magic powers to float around and headbutt a couple of nails into the wall. I need help putting up some shelves.

What's that you say, Dr Fate? The holy power of magical order is not to be used to help put up a shelf? Fine, then it's hatbox time. Get in that box.

Right... well, now that he's finally shut up, I can let you know that I've found a terrific loft space over in Star City - god dammit shut up! Shut up! I can hardly hear myself think with you banging on, you cowcatcher-faced helmet bastard! I'm trying to write my therapy journal here, Mr Magic Bitch! Do you want me to have another nervous breakdown? Do you?

Then shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Wait, he's stopped.

I think he's finally realised he can't get anywhere with this incessant whining. Either that or he's in a sulk. Dr Fate? Anything to add?

No?

Good.

That's that.




Finally.





Okay.



Well, as I was saying, I JESUS CHRIST DR FATE SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT YOUR HOLE!!

SHUT UP!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUUUPPP!!

SHUT UP!!!

7 Comments:

Blogger jean loring said...

I think the best to shut the helmet up would be to try it on! Go on! Put it on! It will be awesome! not everyone can carry off that blue and yellow combo but I am pretty sure you will look great in it. Do it! do it!

7:15 AM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

I Should be the one with the helmet on! I should be the one hearing voices and seeing queer eye! But no, you had to break Booster. But I have another... plan. Hahhaha!

Jean, Booster would've said hi.

Thanks for killing Dibny's wife.

10:05 PM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:06 AM  
Blogger Green Arrow said...

No no no Ralph - do NOT wear the helmet. Historically-themed headwear is my thing, man. MINE! It's ONE OF THE LAST THINGS I'VE GOT LEFT!

I showed my new 'beard' to Krystal. She's left the campaign. Now Roy's showing me how to freebase rogaine.

That it should come to this: Ollie Queen, snowbird. Goddammit, those Dr Fate hoodoo powers can mess with a man's mojo.

3:57 PM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:33 AM  
Blogger Rick Tyler said...

To paraphrase the words of the soon-to-be immortal Ralph Dibny:
JESUS CHRIST SWAMP THING SHUT UP!! SHUT UP!! SHUT YOUR HOLE!!

SHUT UP!! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUUUPPP!!

Whew, now I feel better.
Now it's your turn, Ollie.

Ralph, since your flight from Cairo has a stopover in New York, howsabout you pick up that cape I was offering you. I think it would look excellent on you, what with the helmet and all...I think the Queer Eye guys would agree.

Good to see you posting again. I was getting scared that you wouldn't be coming back.

- Rick

4:46 AM  
Blogger jean loring said...

Also, Detective Chimp just wiped out your bank account

O RLY???

next you'll be telling me that Streaky the Super Cat has managed to defraud Luthercorp and that Ace The Bathound has been embezzling the Wayne Foundation by dressing up in a pair of glasses and woofing out the words "I'm Alfred, Woof woof, give me some money, woof"

Oh Swamp Thing, you so wacky. Perhaps you ought to lay off nibbling your own hallucinogenic space yams - it'll make you go blind!

1:44 AM  

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