Friday, September 22, 2006

Jesus Christ, Dr Fate

I still haven't gone to the airport yet for the next stage of the Holy Pilgrimage Of The Lords Of Order, but I had to send the countertops for the new kitchen back to Ikea three times because they'd been damaged in transit, plus I had to yell out the UPS people because the new entertainment center I bought has been logged as lost in Poughkeepsie or something. So obvously I've got no time to be going on any quests right now. Maybe next week.

So anyway, things have calmed down on the pilgrimage front, but christ almighty Dr Fate is an annoying little bastard. I was just getting my head down for some sleep after a hard day of wrangling on the phone with Ikea when I hear a knock on my bedroom door, and who should it be but goddamned Dr Fate headbutting my new paintwork with his goddamned fin.

"Look," he intones, "I'm sorry to bother you, but do you think you could stop jangling your keys QUITE so much when you go in and out? It's not fair on the other people who are trying to sleep in this apartment. I mean, I shouldn't have to ask, any considerate roommate should know to keep the noise down, surely? And another thing, would it be too much to expect you to buy some bleach? The bottle under the sink is almost out and how else do you suppose you're going to keep that toilet clean? Do you think it's up to me to do it? I'm a Lord Of Order. I do plenty around here already, I'm the one who keeps a thousand demons from the veil of Nergalheim from bursting into this reality and having their terrible way with children and animals, I don't think cleaning the toilet should be my job as well. And for GOD'S sake can you PLEASE remember to leave the toilet door OPEN when you leave it! Because otherwise I think someone might be in there and I end up waiting for ages, because OBVIOUSLY I can't turn the handle or knock because what if somebody IS in there and while I don't STRICTLY need to go because I'm a floating helmet, it's not INCONCEIVABLE that some chaotic spell might lead to me having to -" And on and on in that vein. I just nodded and said yes and no in the right places and went back to bed. Dr Willis has shown me that the first impulse isn't always the best impulse, which is why I didn't grab Dr Fate, turn him upside down and crap in him.

Ten minutes later, another knock. Dr Fate again, floating there with a few more flecks of my paint on his metal face.

"Why are you turning the landing light off?"

Well, it wastes electricity to leave it burning all night, Dr Fate. We're in the middle of an energy crisis -

"DO YOU WANT ME TO BREAK MY NECK?"


You don't have a -

"I could be severely dented if I smack into the wall. I suppose that's what you want. God, it's not rocket science to remember to leave a light on -"


Look, what kind of Lord Of Order can't walk along a landing in the dark?

"What kind of person doesn't remember to leave a light ON at ALL TIMES so the mystical headpiece guiding you on your spiritual journey doesn't smack into the wall LIKE A RETARD?"

Well -

"Just THINK in future! JESUS!"

And he slams the door with his mystic abilities. Now I figure I want to avoid a repeat of that if possible, so I decide that the best thing to do is make a little sign out of paper - 'LEAVE LIGHT ON' - and stick it next to the switch, so I'll remember next time. I mean, this is a nice thing to do. In addition to paying the phone bill so Dr Fate can bitch to the new Spectre about how I'm shirking my cosmic responsibility, and the internet bill so he can look at Suicide Girls all day, I'm now making sure I remember to waste an assload of electricity every night. What the hell am I going to say to Al Gore next time I track down a missing jewel for him? "Oh hey sir I really liked your film, I liked it so much I totally ignored it because my roommate was whining like a petty, obsessive little bitch! Give me a medal!"Christ!

Anyway. Ten minutes later, another knock. By now my bedroom door totally needs repainting and Dr Fate totally needs a polish, which he's totally going to make me do.

"ARE YOU TAKING THE PISS?"

No, Dr Fate. No, I put that sign up to help me remem-

"ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU CAN'T REMEMBER SOMETHING AS SIMPLE AS NOT TURNING OFF A LIGHT? GOD! I HATE stupid people - I absolutely HATE stupid people! I am SICK of you! DO YOU THINK IT'S FAIR that I have to scream at you like this? DO YOU? DO YOU THINK IT'S FAIR?"

Look -

"DO YOU?"

...

"DO YOU THINK IT'S FAIR?"

No. No, Dr Fate, I don't. I think I've been very unfair. Now, it's nearly three in the morning and I need to get some sleep. So get back in your hatbox and leave me alone.

"DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR ON ME! YOU BITCH! YOU UTTER UTTER BITCH!"

So he spends the whole rest of the night yelling into the phone at the top of his absent lungs to the Spectre, all about what an utter, utter bitch I am. And this morning I had a note from the Super saying there'd been a complaint about me from an anonymous source saying I was 'a super huge doody head', which he took to mean I'd been indulging in coprophagia in my rooms, which was against the conditions of tenancy.

I need to go back to Egypt and continue my mystic pilgrimage. Either that or dropkick Dr Fate into the river. One of the two.

4 Comments:

Blogger Archer said...

Dr. Fate sounds a bit like Rik Mayall, doesn't he? That's GOTTA be rough.

1:49 PM  
Blogger Hal Jordan said...

Oh, yes. I kinda remember what it's like to have someone bitching up your neck. Like I didn't have enough with this asshole Parallax thing getting into my nerves every time I was about to do ANYTHING and he'd go like "Nope... you can't do that mate. Too dangerous. You can get badly injured. But just go on, it's your life anyways, not mine" or "The light that comes from that ring might be dangerous, mate. You shouldn't wear it as much as you do... but it's not mine the one who's gonna end up having epylepsia issues, so go on, doesn't bother me". Damn yellow bastard. Or that other guy, I couldn't even watch a freakin' baseball game without hearing "The Spectre looks for vengeance, the Spectre needs vengeance, the Spectre's placebo is vengeance..." I HATE THIS GUYS TOYING AROUND WITH MY MIND. And I guess you're in pretty messed up trouble if your guy and the Spectre are friens, because... damn.
Anyway, good luck with your little bitch. I know I needed it...

8:48 AM  
Blogger Joe Siegel said...

Where is Skeets!? I want that damn exclusive interview!!!

Also, Ralph, just kick that damn helmet. Kick it like a soccer ball.

Hey...do I sound crazier today? Maybe I should ask Dr. Willis for some of those pills you take, Dibny. What say you?

3:36 PM  
Blogger Green Arrow said...

You're in the afterlife now? With a beard and an historically-themed head-piece? Why don't you just take my GODDAMN BOW AND ARROWS, DIBNY?

There's a whole circle of Hell just full of intellectual property lawyers, Ralph. Remember that on your goddamn copyright-infringing afterlife experience, you GODDAMN MOTHERLUVVIN' CHARACTER-KLEPTOMANIAC!

9:17 PM  

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