Friday, September 08, 2006

What A Wonderful Week It's Been

It's been fantastic every step of the way! First Dr Willis suggested a relaxing trip to one of the resorts I used to visit with my late wife. Apparently I need to 'reconnect' - think of my wife in the context of happier times rather than as a charred corpse murdered BY LORING, that sun-orbiting bitchhag -

What's that you say, Dr Fate? Anger is not the path toward enlightenment? Yes, Dr Fate, yes. What? You think I should take another of my pink pills? But I've had so many already - yes, Dr Fate. You know best. Yes, I'll take one right now. Yes.

Anyway, I figured the best place to 'reconnect' would be in Marseilles, one of the most beautiful and culturally vibrant places on Earth! Of course, when I've had one of my special pink pills, everywhere seems like the greatest city on Earth! And that reminds me, I should really have another. Should I, Dr Fate? Yes. He says yes.

I didn't want to be bothered while I was 'reconnecting', but I was thinking that my old buddies in the Famous Fictional Detectives' Inspirations' Grandfathers' Neighbors Club Of Marseilles might want to know I was in town, so I cleverely used the alias of the guy who was the neighbor of the grandfather of the guy who was the inspiration for Sherlock Holmes. Needless to say, I was expecting Henri or Jean-Luc or one of the other crazy guys in the FFDIGNCOM to turn up dressed as Bob Hepplethwaite or Mrs. Lancaster or another famous neighbour of the grandfather of the real-life person who'd inspired a famous fictional detective. That would've made my weekend!

Instead, who should I look up from my pina colada and see? Bobo.

What's that you say, Dr Fate? I have to be nice to Bobo? He was only trying to help? I should take a pink pill? Yes, Dr Fate. Yes. I should take a pink pill. You're quite right. I must be nice to Bobo. Bobo has a charming personality, he doesn't have a massive drinking problem, and he doesn't smell like an old carpet that's been defecated on by an army of tramps! And he's not a god-damned, greasy, dirty ape bastard who still! After five years and seven months! Has not returned my DVD copy of World's Wierdest Police Chases Vol. III which features a getaway car crashing into my stretchy body and then pinging back to crash into another getaway car, in slow motion! And me and Sheriff John Bunnell giving two thumbs up to the camera! And that damned dirty chimp has been sitting on it for five whole -

Yes, Dr Fate. I'm being unfair. You're quite right. I said all that when he showed up and he had a perfectly good explanation that he lost it in a drinking contest and besides he was bringing me work. I shouldn't snap. Yes, Dr Fate. Yes. Another pink pill? But I only just had one - no, Dr Fate, you can't have too much of a good thing. You're quite right. Yes.

These pink pills certainly are tasty.

Anyway, Bobo had a bit of work for me involving my old detective's club that I left behind like the pathetic bunch of losers they were and the mystical helmet of Dr Fate, which is sitting next to me in this cafe. Apparently Tim Trench put it on and died horribly, which means I can maybe get the thirty bucks he owes me out of his will. Anyway, I heard Bobo was hanging around with all these big-ass mystic types now, so I figured if I brought them in, they'd just do all the work for me. I've noticed that generally if some big magic person gets involved with anything, they'll be the ones to say something like "There are forces here beyond your ken puny mortal, blah blah blah, we must venture to Egypt and the sit of the yadda yadda yadda..." which is a pain in the ass if you're not getting paid, but it's excellent if you are, because you can just sit back and watch the money roll in while some gimp in a Harry Potter costume does all the heavy thinking.

And that's exactly what happened this time! I just sat back, made a few random cryptic comments about this being a desperate crisis and hey presto! A free trip to Egypt and two hundred dollars - without me lifting a finger! Forget magic, baby, this is the Tenth Age of Dibny, and don't you forget it. Anyway, the jet lag was going to be a complete bastard, so I popped a couple of pink pills, and then I had another two because it was so hot -

- and that's when Dr Fate's helmet started to talk to me.

I mean, first it showed me this crazy vision that seemed almost like a hallucination caused by overmedication, but this was definitely real. And then he started telling me what to -

What's that you say, Dr Fate? I have to leave this place and be back about my pilgrimage? I have spent too long with the petty responsibilities of the mortal world? Yes, Dr Fate. Yes, I have spent too long. Yes. No, Dr Fate, there are plenty of pink pills left. I have hundreds of them in my jeep. No, Dr Fate, I've never tried taking five at once. Yes, Dr Fate, that does sound like a great idea.

Well, time to get back to my mystical quest! Like I said, it's been a terrific week of adventure, and I don't need another pink pill to know that next week should be even better! Although having said that, another one wouldn't hurt. Anyway, I should have a moment next week to tell you how it's all going, and I'll let you know if Dr Fate has any instructions for you out there!

Apart from that you should see Dr Robert Willis and get hold of some of his special pink pills. And eat them. Do that now.

11 Comments:

Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:47 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

What's that you say, Dr Fate? Swamp Thing is a sad, jealous lump of vegetable waste? Yes, Dr Fate. Yes, he is a sad, jealous lump of vegetable waste, and he tells such awful lies. Yes. I agree totally.

Yes, Dr Fate, another one of my delicious pink pills will help me to ignore his random babbling. Or maybe two. Yes, Dr Fate. That makes perfect sense.

It's all so very clear.

5:09 PM  
Blogger Joe Siegel said...

I must say that I'm very confused about the whole world of magic. I was there on ground zero when that enormous floating rock exploded over the sky of Gotham City (on case investigating some murders within the GCPD) and, I have to admit, it freaked the HELL out of me!

Dr. Fate was the member of the Justice Society who wore that gold helmet, correct? And now he's with you, or his helmet's with you?

Anyway, who is this Swamp-Thing character? It sounds to me like he's on some rather serious drugs and, judging by that mossy photograph of his, the drugs he's using are not your average recreational stuff. He seems to have steeped himself in fantasies of talking chimps and "shadowpacts" in order to accomodate some kind of mental trauma.

God, I sound like my mother (she's a psychotherapist)!

On an unrelated note, Ralph, would you mind asking your Dr. Willis if he was ever a child psychologist/therapist, please. I'm 90% certain that this is the same Dr. Willis that my mother forced me to see as a boy.
Could I be correct?

5:52 AM  
Blogger Dr Robert Willis, Phd said...

Hello, Joseph. My name is Dr Robert Amersham Willis, Phd. I'm afraid I have no idea what Ralph is up to at the moment, and he seems to be taking rather more than the single dose of Diazepabuprenophinol- Methylexadrine-9 per day that I prescribed him. Hopefully his simian friend from the mystery-solving society will keep an eye on him and not allow him to run off in a jeep clutching an ancient Egyptian artifact and muttering at it.

As to your other question, it sounds as though you remember my father, Dr. Addison Willis, Phd, who was declared missing presumed devoured after a run-in with the Jaguar Men of the Kalahari.

12:43 PM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:21 PM  
Blogger Joe Siegel said...

First, to the plant...what happened to the kind courtesy of the superhero secret identity, pal? And I have little interest in reading up on Ralph Dibny.
I was a member of his short-lived fan club in The Opal back when I was in high school, so I've been doing my research. I even have my honorary "Stretchy Sleuth" membership badge, and those one-size-fits-all t-shirts with the pictures of Mrs. Dibny and him on them!

As for that talking chimp: I just caught Joe Schuman's (great guy) interview with "Bobo", so now I believe.

4:19 PM  
Blogger Joe Siegel said...

Oh and, I almost forgot...

Doc, yeah, I'm pretty sure you're right about me seeing your dad for therapy as a kid.
But just to be sure, did his methods include making me flog a copper statue of Wonder Woman with a whip and yelling "Harder if you're feeling angrier, m'boy! HARDER!!!"

Lastly, and on an unrelated note; does anyone else find it distasteful of TV networks to play a show like, say, "Prison Break" so soon after that global prison break during the crisis!?
I mean, can't they hold back a tad?
I'll be sure to discuss it in my next blog entry, where I'll be recounting my experience at Booster Gold's funeral as well.
Check it out @: http://52-correspondence.blogspot.com/ (thanks for the free plug, Ralph).

4:20 PM  
Blogger Dr Robert Willis, Phd said...

Unfortunately, it seems that you have the wrong Dr Willis. My father encouraged children to whip a bejewelled statue of Ma Hunkel, which is a quite different form of treatment.

4:55 PM  
Blogger Rick Tyler said...

I thought we got rid of the Swamp Goiter. He's such a hypocrate. Uhm, Swampy, I hate you and all, but what the fuck is a hypocrate?

10:37 AM  
Blogger Green Arrow said...

Holy Hannah, man! You're dropping out and going on a pilgrimage now? THAT'S MINE TOO!

Oh man - first it was the groovy beard, then it was the progressive politics, and now you're stealing my profound-journey-of-discovery bit! YOU'RE STEALING MY WHOLE SHTICK, YOU GODDAM SHTICK-STEALING TURKEY!

Meanwhile, poor old Ollie Queen here has got no beard, and I haven't heard back from those fat cats at the novely side-burns and van dyke mail order company. Those high-stepping, top-hatted vampires are probably lighting cigars with the hard-earned green papery tokens of my appropriated labor-power, while I have to do my best with a makeshift beard that I've stuck together with clippings from my own, er, other sources.

I can see what you're doing, Dibny. You've got your whacked-out obssession with me hooked up to Dr goddamn Fate's helmet to make some sort of psychotic psychadelic karmic crime machine! Directed at ME! JUST STOP IT, MAN!

4:43 PM  
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3:19 PM  

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