Sunday, November 19, 2006

Have YOU ever thought about unleashing YOUR inner zen™?

Hi, I'm Richard Dragon™. Ralph has kindly allowed me to post on his online journal, as the only way to gain access to the internet in the far-off land of Nanda Parabat™ is through me.

It saddens me to say it, but Ralph's zen™ is weak. His years of hatred, avarice and envy have made him unworthy, which is why I took his clothes away and chained him to a metal post in the snow. It's all part of what I call the Richard Dragon System™. Ralph, you see, must learn to embrace and cherish such things as freezing cold and hyperthermia. Only when he asks them to stay will they finally leave. I'm confident that as soon as he embraces the pneumonia raging through his system, his skin will lose that unfortunate blue shade and he'll never get a cold again.

All thanks to the Richard Dragon System™. A System™ that could be yours to own.

You see, the Richard Dragon System™ isn't just about making confused, troubled young men into the best martial artists they can be. It's also about making YOU™ into the best YOU™ you can be. I can teach YOU™ secret zen™ skills such as pretending to be confined to a wheelchair. I can teach YOU™ to allow a scorpion to crawl over your face. And most of all, I can teach YOU™ the secret of getting RICH!

Look at your boss's fancy convertable. Wouldn't YOU™ like one of those? I can show you how to get one - the right way. The ZEN™ way.

Much as pain will only leave when you ask it to stay, money will only stay when you ask it to leave. The sooner you ask your money to leave, by sending it to me, Richard Dragon™, and buying my pamphlet 'The Richard Dragon System™ - Zen™, Scorpions™ and YOU™' - the sooner you'll be RICH beyond your wildest dreams.

Don't believe me? Just ask Ralph! He's not quite worthy to speak to you in person yet, but I'll be happy to relay his answers to you! He'll be happy to tell you how it feels to grow RICHER™, HAPPIER™ and MORE SUCCESSFUL™ every day - the Richard Dragon™ way.

This has been a public service announcement.

12 Comments:

Blogger Green Arrow said...

Goddamnit! Ralph's in an ashram now? That's my thing too, man! Wake up, people! RALPH DIBNY IS STEALING MY WHOLE GODDAMN LIFE!

Word to the wise, Dragon - that grasping, greedy, soul-sucking little sonuvabitch is going to go after all your trademarks, man. THE WHOLE GODDAMN LOT OF THEM!

5:56 PM  
Blogger Tefé Holland said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6:08 AM  
Blogger Richard Dragon said...

Hi, my name's Richard Dragon<&trade>.

You know, I'd NEVER wish for you to accidentally shoot a man with an arrow. That would be a tragic loss to my karma. But if you DID, I'd imagine you'd want to take advantage of our Zen Archery Weekend Karma Purge Getaway<&trade>, where our trained Zen Archers and masseusses would soothe your troubled spirit until Hal Jordan dropped by to pick you up. For just a small consideration.

This has been a public service announcement.

6:26 AM  
Blogger Rick Tyler said...

You know, Ollie, if you were to "accidentally" shoot somebody, I would recommend that it be that massive asshole Swamp Thing...but it probably wouldn't do any good. He'd just regenerate from the nearest compost heap. So forget it.

7:21 AM  
Blogger Tefé Holland said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:17 PM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

Richard Dragon... Well, I'm happy Ralph is suffering. You're next, Richard Dragon! NEXT! And Hourman, cry in your foolish time themed costume, cause you're next too!!!!

3:29 PM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

My twentyfifth century database doesn't know what lunkhead means, but you shall be next, Tefe Holland?

Also, my database says Tefe is a ridiculous name.

3:34 PM  
Blogger Tefé Holland said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:20 PM  
Blogger Tefé Holland said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:45 PM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

Look, at least Booster Gold and Skeets are just a superhero name. But Tefe is your name. It's in your birth certificate.

My real name is 902458591920394uu7 guard machine, but I'm planning to change it to "Kickass F*cking Killer Robot that shots time energy from nowhere".

NOW DIE, BITCH, DIE!!!!

Sorry.... Really sorry about it, Tefe. I hope we can still be friends after THIS... And after me killing your dad... Now, since I'm bored, I'll go and kill some Everyman Project members.

2:41 PM  
Blogger Tefé Holland said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:10 PM  
Blogger Kon-El said...

F'ing killer robot eh? What can I say I tend to like the name SuperNova fer some reason< or maybe that's just me.

10:01 PM  

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