Saturday, November 25, 2006

I Can Give You REAL&trade Superpowers - The Richard Dragon&trade Way!

Hi, I'm Richard Dragon™.

We don't have television here on Nanda Parbat - we have Richard Dragonvision™. Ordinary television relies on a foolish box powered by the idiotic technology of the western world, some silly wires and perhaps a ridiculous satellite or two. But Richard Dragonvision™ uses the purer energies of a team of telepathic monks who pick up the signals with the power of their minds - minds enhanced by the Richard Dragon System™ - and then act them out on a little stage.

Now you may be thinking "No, Richard Dragon™. I like paying $800 for a brand new plasma screen monstrosity every six months. I like giving my hard-earned money to the corporate whores who are busily destroying our ecosystem with their ravenous monetary claws. I like being a moronic fool, a pathetic puppet, a crass, retarded shill for people who would kill my entire family rather than go a single day without bathing their genitals in purest Moet & Chandon." You may be thinking that. But you're wrong.

Imagine watching your favourite shows in Richard Dragonvision™. Imagine watching Aaron Sorkin's semi-watchable drama Studio 60, for example. Wouldn't the tortured, mangled, American-written 'English english' of that one who was in the UK version of The Office sound so much better coming out of the mouth of a telepathic monk named Steve? What if you never had to look at Matthew Perry's face again? I can teach you the secret of never having to look at Matthew Perry's face again. I can teach you to watch HBO with your mind.

It's not TV. It's RDV©™. And it can be yours. For a small consideration.

But I digress. I was watching my Richard Dragonvision™, and Steve - in the role of Lex Luthor - informed me that he, Lex Luthor, not Steve, could bestow on me tremendous super powers. I could, according to Steve's brilliant impersonation of the Lexcorp CEO, divert the course of mighty rivers with my bare hands. I could fly like an eagle or burrow like a mole. I could sprint faster that light itself without even breaking a sweat.

Do you know what I did when Steve informed me of this tremendous offer?

Customer, I laughed.

Luthor is a fool. I'm given to understand his 'super powers' flake and itch. They're unsightly and prone to shorting out at unfortunate moments. They smell. I've had a communication from one 'E.S.Pete' who claims that in order to gain control of the mind of a criminal he must give up control of his bowels. His superheroic efforts have met with scorn, hatred and a cease and desist letter. He asked me what I, Richard Dragon™, could do to help. What could I, Richard Dragon™, do to aid this poor unfortunate man who only wished to rid his streets of crime?

Customer, I laughed.

E.S.Pete is a fool, and like all fools who refuse to follow the Richard Dragon System™, he is destined to live out his pathetic days either toiling in obscurity or wallowing in his own filth. Superpowers cannot be given, my friends. They can only be earned. As the Richard Dragon System™ explains, when you no longer want amazing superpowers, only then will they come to you. And you have to really not want them! Not just say you don't. You have to scream "Get thee behind me, fantastic super energies!" no less than eight times an hour. And mean it.

Take Ralph. As I type this on the keys of my inner mind, he is stark naked, pushing a massive boulder covered with razorblades up a steep, icy cliff-face. If he fails to meet the challenge, he will be beaten with iron poles. If he succeeds, he will be rewarded by being ritually cleansed, in the form of a beating, with iron poles. Every fifteen minutes, I walk out on my verandah and scream at him through a megaphone: "Ralph! Would you like some really brilliant superpowers to help you with that?"

Like a fool, he starts to cry! Weeping tears of want. He does not understand the Richard Dragon System™, but you can, for a small consideration. You could do it in your own comfortable home. Instead of an icy cliff-face, you could use a sofa cushion propped against the wall. Instead of a razor-coated boulder, you could use a bread roll. Instead of being beaten with iron poles, you could have a sandwhich. The principle is the same. The important thing is that you have a tape of my Richard Dragon Voice™, available for $19.99, asking whether or not you want superpowers.

Don't listen to Luthor. His superpowers are rubbish, and I'm confident that they will be the undoing of those who possess them. Whereas the superpowers I can give you are really great, and will be good and not rubbish like Luthor's are. That's a promise. A Richard Dragon Promise™©.

This has been a public service announcement.

24 Comments:

Blogger Tefé Holland said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

2:12 PM  
Blogger Richard Dragon said...

Dear (insert name here),

Hi, I'm Richard Dragon™.

While we at Nanda Parbat™ are always looking for new Instructional Systems Analysts™ in the Richard Dragon System™, we cannot currently accept your application to assist in training at (insert training location here). This is because all our Instructional Systems Analysts™ must be trained to the 33rd Chamber™ of the Richard Dragon System™ before we can allow them to work with impressionable students.

But don't despair, (insert name here)! You too can begin training in the Richard Dragon System™ in the comfort of your own home, for the low price of $1000! Simply send a cheque, payable to Richard Dragon Incorporated™, to The Richard Dragon System™, Mountain 22, Nanda Parbat, along with your name and current address. We'll send YOU everything you need to begin training in the First Chamber™ of the Richard Dragon System™ - AND a prayer crystal crafter from the finest cubic zirconium, absolutely FREE™!

That's the kind of offer you only get from Richard Dragon™. I'm Richard Dragon™. This has been a public service announcement.

Yours Sincerely,

Richard Dragon™. Offer void where prohibited.

4:09 PM  
Blogger Tefé Holland said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

5:47 PM  
Blogger Richard Dragon said...

Dear (insert name here),

Hi, I'm Richard Dragon™.

(Insert name here), do you feel you have a tendency to ramble? Do people's eyes glaze over when you speak? Do they say behind your back, "(insert name here) is one of the most astonishingly dull people it's ever been my misfortune to encounter?"

Our Richard Dragon Computer™ has noticed that you have a tendency to go on and on and on and on long after interest has waned, (insert name here). But don't worry. For a mere $299.99, offer void where prohibited, I can teach you to speak in short, sharp, clipped sentences.

Like this.

It's easy.

Just send $299.99 to Richard Dragon's Shut Up Guide™, Mountain 22, Nanda Parbat. And keep what few friends you still possess.

This has been a public service announcement. I'm Richard Dragon™.

Yours Sincerely,

Richard Dragon™.

8:33 PM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:07 AM  
Blogger Tefé Holland said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

12:09 AM  
Blogger Richard Dragon said...

Dear (Insert name here),

Hi, I'm Richard Dragon™.

Do you find yourself pretending to be two people when actually you're only one? Do you have conversations with yourself that you think are hilarious but are in fact painfully unfunny? Do you find yourself haunting the comments section of other people's blogs instead of updating your own? Do you find yourself desperately attempting to be interesting and amusing and yet failing miserably at every step?

There is no help for you. I'm sorry.

This has been a public service announcement.

Yours Sincerely,

Richard Dragon™.

7:16 AM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

My timeline database must sadly agree with Dragon this time. I would gladly pay 300 dollars to see Dibny shut up. Change that line. I would pay 300 dollars to kill Dibny 300 times.

4:05 PM  
Blogger Richard Dragon said...

Dear (insert name here),

Enter the wonderful world of amazing live SEA NINJAS™ assassins you grow yourself. Amazing! just add SEA NINJA EGGS™ to prepared water, look in the bowl and see LIVE BABY SEA NINJAS™ (Artemia) swimming around! Now simply GROW and ENJOY the most ADORABLE killers you've ever owned!

SO EAGER TO PLEASE - THEY CAN EVEN BE "TRAINED"

WORLD-FAMOUS Sea Ninjas™ are SO full of surprises you can't stop watching them or they'll kill you. They swim, play, scoot, race, poison, decapitate and do stunts. So easy to grow even an 8-year-old child can be dead at their hands in seconds. Raise a Sea Ninja Clan™ consisting of Oyabun™, Kobun™ and Random Cannon Fodder™. If YOU like death, you will LOVE owning Sea Ninjas™! Best of all, we show you how to make them appear to obey your commands even as they plot to turn against you. FUN FOR THE WHOLE CRIMINAL ORGANISATION.

ONLY $299 per 300 eggs. Send to: Richard Dragon Sea Ninja Aquarium™, Mountain 22, Nanda Parbat.

This has been a public service announcement about SEA NINJAS™.

Yours Sincerely,

Richard Dragon™.

8:36 PM  
Blogger supergirl said...

Hey Cassie Look at Swamp Thing's Fantasy About you!

"Wonder Girl™ has now completely sworn off men. She is already attaching steel barbs to her magic lasso™.


What's that Going out to get restaining order on SwampThing? See you later.

8:35 AM  
Blogger Tefé Holland said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:43 PM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

Okay Richard Dragon.... that is just plain... what would you fleshy beings say?? Oh, yes, that is just plain AWESOME!!! I don't know how you manage to make such things at such low prices, but I want three packs of those things!!!! If the sir was alive, he would have loved those!!

4:55 PM  
Blogger Wonder Girl said...

> Hey Cassie Look at Swamp Thing's
> Fantasy About you!
>
> "Wonder Girl™ has now completely
> sworn off men. She is already
> attaching steel barbs to her
> magic lasso™.

What? What? Why is he saying those things? Why is he such a horrible man? It’s a lie! Why is he lying? Is it because I didn’t want to eat one of his rape-potatoes and play doctor with him? Why is he still talking about me?

It all started one day Tefe invited me to her house in that stinking swamp that smells like poop water. I thought we were going to listen to music and talk about boys, but when I get there she says her father wanted to talk to me. I go into his room, and he tells me to sit down on his bed. I sit down, and then he closed the door. I didn’t know what was going on, and I was getting a bit nervous. Swamp Thing turned on the TV, and this weird movie was on. It had Superman and Big Barda in it, and they were naked and doing things I didn’t understand. Swamp Thing then put one of his broccoli hands on my leg and I was feeling really uncomfortable. Then he said “You look good enough to eat, little girl,” and he reached all the way to his back and pulled a potato right out of it. He tried to force his potato into my mouth, but I resisted. He grabbed my face and yelled “Eat it, damn it! Eat it,” and I screamed and Superman came through the roof. He shot his laser eyes at Mr. Swamp and burned him. It smelled like that time my mom boiled some cabbage too much. Then Superman pulled out the tape out of the VCR and burned it too. He said “f***ing John Burn”. Maybe John was the name of the tape, I don’t know. I didn’t even know Superman could swear. Superman then puts his hand on my shoulder and tells me that Swamp Thing is a very, very bad man, and that I did good when I called for help. He said that if any other man tries to touch me in my bikini area, which is my special, sacred area that no man should touch – specially creepy, dull, boring, men made of lettuce -, I should yell and call for an adult to help me. He then gave me a teddy bear and a lollipop.

Since then, Swamp Thing has been going around telling horrible lies about me.

!Oops! I have to go, today is my turn to make the Kool Aid here at the cult house. It’s strawberry night, !YUMMY!

6:12 PM  
Blogger Tefé Holland said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10:44 PM  
Blogger Kon-El said...

Sigh Alternate Universes, and Hypertime hurt my head, and now I'm gonna have nightmares about Swampthing trying to molest Cassie Thanks a lot Kara.

11:27 PM  
Blogger Detective Chimp said...

You wanna know something, I was avoiding commenting on this little blog, thanks to Mr. Dick Dragon and his love of less then legal love of abusing economics. Not to mention the fact I’ve had my furry little rear kicked by a few of his so called students. But, well, scrolling through the comments section itself I found something that just made me give inta that good ol’ thing called temptation.

Tefe, Swamp, and all you back country folk. I know you might be a bit ‘out there’ butcha kinda need to get with the program. Here in the good old DCU, you know, the Detective Chimp Universe. The one we all live in, I’ve managed to learn a couple things.

One, nothing that comes from a swamp tends to be healthy for ya, or healthy period.

And two, it ain’t a freakin’ parallel dimension unless the differences are big, flashy, and usually seem to only further whatever else was already going on in your life to new levels of suck.

So cut it out with the other dimension stuff, you may not like Me, Ralphy Boy, Kon “Aint he dead?” El, Wonder Girl or anyone else here, but that don’t mean you ain’t in the same universe.

Anyways, I’ve gotta agree with Skeets. Though it means agreeing with Dick.

Sea-Ninja’s rock. ‘em Gonna go order me some off Dick’s Dragon network.


Ciao,

The Chimp

11:36 PM  
Blogger Vampirella said...

Had to peek in and see for myself

My oh my.... Poor Kon


and chimp
"One, nothing that comes from a swamp tends to be healthy for ya, or healthy period."


all I can say is AMEN

7:34 AM  
Blogger Wonder Girl said...

> Wow! A third Cassie, even
> dumber, sicker, and crazier than
> the other two!!!

There is only one me! I use different accounts to escape internet predator salad things like your sick dad. Tell him to stop sending me pictures of his potatoes to me! I don't wanna see them!

I thought you were my friend, but you are not!

P.S. The Vegas stripper look makes you look cheap.

8:40 AM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Richard Dragon said...

Dear (Insert Name Here),

Hi, I'm Richard Dragon™.

LOL. It's a disease that remains with us.

LOL is a degenerative neural trauma, most often caused by being a Swamp Monster who pretends to be his own daughter and various female friends in order to have a wank and get some desperately needed attention. Left unchecked, LOL can lead to an endless cycle of onanism, the victim masturbating furiously over his own percieved cleverness and the hot fantasy painting he's posted up that's meant to represent his own spawn, while everyone else just sighs and wishes he'd die from eating too many cheese puffs in his mother's basement or something.

It's a tragic affliction, and there is only one known cure. Fire™! Fire™ in vast quantities! The malady must be burned out at the root!

I, Richard Dragon™, can supply you with a Richard Dragon Flaming Torch™, pre-soaked with the finest quality kerosene, so that you might burn away this LOL menace and the grotesquely pathetic plant-based gimp in which it hides. Just send a mere $1.99 per torch to the Richard Dragon Centre For Disease Control™, Mountain 22, Nanda Parabat, and then hunt the beast down where it lurks. Hopefully it will at least give the unspeakably naff creature something to write about on its own blog.

This has been a public service announcement.

Yours Sincerely,

Richard Dragon™.

9:06 AM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

GIMME THREE!!! Oh, wait, I don't have hands...

9:21 PM  
Blogger Wonder Girl said...

I can hold two torches for you, Mister Skeetles! I can use some tape and put the other one on top of your head or something.

I would buy one for myself, but the cult doesn't let me have any money. Material possessions are BAD and we have to give them all to our leader who will get rid of them... later, or when Kon El comes back riding his magic pony to take us to Krypton and away from the evil powers of Xenu, he will leave us here to die with the rest of the filthy heathens because we had no faith.

8:02 AM  
Blogger Kon-El said...

What? Cass I may be a kon from anothet Universe ( Or so says SwampThing I dunno)

At the risk of bein' called Satan or somethin' I don't have a magic pony thSupergirl used to have a horse that turned into a dude though

And uh Krypton's gone.

12:37 AM  
Blogger Wonder Girl said...

Begone fowl apparition of Xenu! Your tricks won't make me doubt the one true church!

9:24 AM  

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