Friday, November 03, 2006

What The Christ Is John Irons Doing On My Television Instead Of Me?

I do not believe this. It's like he's marched into my living room and cut a hole in my TV and climbed inside it, only to burst out of it and punch me in the face. How dare he steal my thunder with his new shiny-shiny looks and his ideologically-opposed neice? I'll bet if I had a living relative who didn't despise me I could train them to hold whatever viewpoint is most abhorrent to me in order to scare up some sweet ratings bonanza. Not that I would! Because unlike a certain former hospital administrator I could mention, I happen to have principles! Principles that mean that I, the world-famous ex-Elongated Man, would rather go on a show that's honest, that enriches the culture - a show like Steve Lombard's Sports Bloopers Funbag Fairground for example, if only that mullety bastard would return my calls - instead of Jack Ryder's horrific excuse for a circus.

Ryder is apparently trying to become a left-wing Bill O'Reilly, but his idea of being left-wing is to shout at superheroes especially loud. Christ knows what that show's going to end up as - presumably some awful parody of Vic Sage's old show, with a few minutes devoted to aping Keith Olbermann thrown in in some desperate attempt to keep things current. Christ knows what he's going to do apart from that. It's not like he can get any mileage out of attacking President Home - let's face it, politically the President's a total cypher, but the way Ryder rattles on you'd think he'd just suspended habeus corpus or something. Anyway, I know I wouldn't soil my dignity by appearing as a celebrity guest and/or talking head on a show like that, no matter how much of a prime-time slot it gets or how many thousand it pays per appearance.

That god-damned steel-faced rat bastard, I knew he was trouble from the moment he showed up in the JLA instead of me! You think I couldn't rip off Superman for some easy fame? You think I didn't consider basing my whole shtick on being like an armored folk hero? I could have been The Elongated Paul Bunyan Of Steel, but my wife said it sounded like too much of a mouthful.

Well, fine, war has been declared, John Henry Ass. You think you can go stealing Ralph Dibny's face-time? I'll just put a call in to Jack Ryder myself and see what he has to say to a little elongated commentary from the nation's most famous ex-superhero, celebrity and talking head. Somehow I doubt we'll be seeing you or your cunningly-orchestrated family disputes on that show again, Irons, because Jack 'Bandwagon' Ryder is going to have his hands full squeezing opinions from the ripe political-commentary fruit that is Dibny. Now that Dr Fate's out of my hair for good, I can devote the whole of next week to rebuilding my career as the wild child of media product endorsement, starting with another call to that hairy frat gimp Lombard. In fact, the phone is ringing as I type this - doubtless the funbag-obsessed one himself come to beg my forgiveness and install me a permanent place in the 'Perky Puppies Political Parade' slot.

It wasn't Lombard. It was Dr Fate. The Magic Mafia wants me to keep the whole of next week free. For favours.

God Christing Bastard.


Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...


Look,Ive been busy, but I found time in my killing spree agenda to let you know I'll go next Tuesday or Wednesday to kill you. So if you want to invite some friends of yours so I can transform them into dust, do it. The bigger the event, the better.

I shoot, and you are nothing! HAha!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHahahAHAhAHHA11010101011010101010hahahaha....

Does Anybody... Know the adress of Rip Hunter?

Love, Skeets.

7:59 PM  
Blogger Kon-El said...

Hey Skeets "he knows."

That 'll have him freaking out for a bout an hour. Hmmmm Myaybe me and Superman , should get o9n tak shows No better Yet Kara. yeah I disagree with her all the time perfect!

8:08 PM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

Conner, I'll go and kill you. I dont undertsand your "hip" teen talk, and maybe Rip Hunter will notice me after I do.

And I mean current adress, no hidden lair where he used to live.

8:28 PM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

Oh, Ralph, I know the future. Next week you'll be visited by Spectre. So my killing visit will be postponed.

8:47 PM  
Blogger Detective Chimp said...

Well, you disturbingly cute little golden bundle a’ doom, this one took me a bit to figure, mostly because I was trying to ‘deduce’ the best way to break it to blue devil that he was an ever loving blue eyed buffoon. But that’s another case entirely.

Truth is, Rip Hunter’s address is the same as the one you found here, just a few dimensions to the left. New Earth three to be exact. Ya kind of made a boo-boo sonny boy, if my deductions are correct, he was already forwarned of you, by, well, you. Well, another you. S’just a complicated mess.

Wanna make you’re way to the other earth, I suggest hunting down a flash, cause, well, everyone knows those speedy freaks have a way with worlds.

Now ta you Dibny. Stop you’re lazy ass whining. You’ve gotta deal with a lot o’ idiots, comes with the bloomin’ territory. Hell, we’ve been tellin’ ya that ever since ya joined mensa!…Or was it the Croatoans….not sure. And not sure it matters. You’ve got one o’ the best minds and wit’s in the business. Yeah, people screw yuh, but yur just making it more fun by whinin’, why don’tcha just embrace the stupidity? Maybe then Ryder’ll invite ya on his show? Or, hell, maybe they’ll can his ass and give you your own. ‘You’re all idiots!’ has a nice ring to it, don’t it?

The Chimp

2:20 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

SHUT UP ALL OF YOU. Kon-El, I've had enough annoying ghosts to last a lifetime so you can piss off back to the great beyond where you should have remained! And as for you, Skeets, your mad killing spree has finally CROSSED THE LINE. It's one thing to turn dozens of innocent people into steam but when you threaten me, Ralph Dibny, you go too far. I'd back off if I were you. The 'made men' of the Magic Mafia protect their own! As for your nonsense about the Spectre, Dr Fate did mention that the two of us would most likely be walking around on a giant hand, so I should bring a packed lunch. So you might be right since that's how the Spectre generally rolls. But it's FAR MORE LIKELY that I'll be stealing Ray Palmer's shrink belt and going onto a trip into the hand of ROY RAYMOND TV DETECTIVE. THINK ON THAT before you make your assumptions.

5:18 AM  
Blogger Dr Light said...

Dibny stop your goddamn bellyaching and do something like dig your wife up and have sex with her dead burned up corpse so you can finally end your year long abstenince and finally have sex for the first time since you stuck your dick in Fate's helmet so stop whining and go punch irons in the jaw

2:51 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

I realise the world of empirical science is a high-pressure place to be, especially for a woman living in Japan, but I'm a little shocked that my old friend Kimiyo Hoshi would take that tone.

6:37 AM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:00 PM  
Blogger dr. light said...

Did you actually compare me to that second rate- knockoff of me? I'm the real Dr. Light you know the one who raped your wife a few years before Jean thankfully killed the bitch you know the one that got mindwiped right after that and became a second rate teen titans villian?

4:32 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Kimiyo, please. I know you may have metaphorically raped my wife by wearing the same dress to the party that time, but there's no need for that kind of language. I'd recommend a few sessions with my therapist if he wasn't in Hell on a desperate and unlikely quest to win the hand of Emily Dickinson's ghost.

Swamp Thing - shut your hole. In a couple of hours, we'll have the House Of Representatives back and then your gay-hating kind will be no longer required, you big vegetable Nazi. You won't murder any more black people on Ralph Dibny's watch, no matter what your crazy SS-flavoured veggie-mind might have to say about it. Or do you deny beating up those Rabbis?

6:34 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Hey, Swamp Thing - when did you stop burning Rosa Parks in effigy on December 1st?

7:20 PM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:03 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Shut your blabbering hole, Swamp Bigot.

5:35 AM  
Blogger Dr Light said...

No you blabbering idiot you don't get it do you I'M A MAN I HAVE A BEARD I HELPED KILL THE FREEDOM FIGHTERS!!!! GET IT

1:18 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

I 'get it' all too well, Kimiyo. The stress of your closeted transgender lifestyle is tearing you apart - on the one hand, you feel that deep inside, you're a man rather than a woman. But you stay in the closet, keeping up a relationship with a boyfriend for the benefit of the outside world - a 'beard', if you will. And, wracked by guilt over this continued pretense, you say that you've 'helped kill the freedom fighters' - a metaphor for betraying the principles of freedom established during events like the Stonewall riot, betraying the protesters who are out there now, on the streets, fighting for gay and transgender rights.

It's okay, Kimiyo. It's... okay. I, Ralph Dibny, am here for you. Actually, to be honest I'm not that comfortable with all this wierd kinky sex stuff, but I'm still here for you. In spirit.

8:47 PM  
Blogger Green Arrow said...

Holy Hannah! I WON! I WON!

Oh man I'm freaking out! Tomorrow, Mayor Ollie Queen will purge the hideous moral cancer that's rotting our city by the power of positive vibes!

But right now, Your Excellency is going to get up to the apricots in impressionable starlets at the Queen mansion!

Oh yeah! Dig it!

10:24 PM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

11:52 PM  
Blogger Sue Dibney said...

Hello ralph how are you?

3:14 AM  
Blogger Tefé Holland said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:10 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Not too bad, Mrs Dibney. Are you the same sweet 89-year-old woman who'd always banter with my wife over their similar names? If so, how's the bowel problem progressing? Last time I saw you, you were an ugly mass of tubes, so I can only imagine you're now a river of effluence groaning pitiably for death to claim you once and for all.

Tefe, aren't you 28 by now or something? Are you mentally subnormal? Dear God, are you Swamp Thing pretending to be his own daughter? Because that would be so, so sad.

And as for you, Swamp Thing - if your 'dimension' doesn't have 'a Ralph Dibny' anymore, WHY ARE YOU HERE? And why does your own blog have a pop-up window with a KKK application form in it?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a victory party to attempt to crash.

6:26 AM  
Blogger Tefé Holland said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:44 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Swamp Thing, ladies and gentlemen! Give him a big hand!

8:21 AM  
Blogger Tefé Holland said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:49 AM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

3:25 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Jesus H Christ, can a guy not have a traumatic time-travel/omnipotent-vengeance-based experience without every emo teenager in creation hearing about it? For your information, I'll tell you the grim details of my personal life when I'm ready. That's usually on Fridays, if I feel like it. But maybe since you're so eager to hear all about my horrible nearly-saw-my-wife's-brain-trod-on time travelling unpleasantness, I might take a day off tomorrow and give it to you at the weekend. Happy?

Swamp Thing - it's because you hate gays.

4:52 PM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

7:04 PM  
Blogger Kon-El said...

Goin' out in a blaze of Glory? been there done that. Didn't like it. ( And no skeets no killin' me ok .) and the Hu seems to be more interested in makin' kids fear the Water!

Why are people praisin' me?

7:31 PM  
Blogger Swamp Thing said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:01 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

It's the honest truth! In our universe, Swamp Thing is a kind and gentle giant who would never dream of spamming other people's therapy journals with his inane and desperate attempts to be 'dungeon master' for somebody else's life in the futile hope that it might make him friends with somebody, somewhere, while at the same time never updating his own blog because nobody ever goes there and he has no friends.

But in the (finger quotes)"HU Earth"(finger quotes) he's a homophobic KKK leader who whacks off over pictures of Hitler. And it's in all the newspapers! I went to the (finger quotes) "HU Earth" (finger quotes) and saw it myself. While my "super team" fought Magneto. Power Girl said I had a massive dingus and then I posted a picture of a naked chick with her head crudely photoshopped onto it. It was the most moving day of my life.

5:37 AM  
Blogger Rick Tyler said...

Hey Swampy, shut the hell up already, or I'll come around and finish the job that Bane started when he killed all your people. I beat Bane, ya hear?
Swamp Thing: multiple personalities for maximum exposure - no, not that kind of exposure, though he does walk around naked all day...
Keep fighting for what you deserve, Ralph.
- Rick

11:19 AM  

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