Friday, December 08, 2006

Richard Dragon Can Suck It

If I never see him again it'll be too soon! This last month has been like being tortured by Ben & Jerry. And I still can't take a punch to the balls! I know because he hit me in the nads with some sort of branded rubber mallet the day before I left. Repeatedly. While playing tapes of his own voice telling me only I had the power to stop myself smoking.

Anyway, Dr Fate still refuses to speak to me - either that or he's traumatised - but at least he was sick enough of Steve the Monk's terrible imitation of Bradley Whitford to haul us both out of there. I think it might actually be the trauma thing, considering I'm telling everybody I meet how much of a little bitch he is and he just hangs in the air and takes it. That's right, Dr Fate. You're my bitch now. Invert yourself, Daddy Ralph wants to drain the main vein.

So my first priority was to get some food. Frankly, yours would be too if you'd been hung by your gentials in the middle of a freezing wasteland being told to cherish the pain. Let me tell you, Richard Dragon is a sick, sick man.

Anyway, all I had on me was a hip flask that I'd cleverly filled with barbecue sauce in case I needed to fake out a sniffer dog. Ralph Dibny's first rule of travel - they are out to get you. If it's not the customs officers looking to meet their quota of terrorist suspects to lock up without trial, it's your fellow passengers trying to slip a condom stuffed with heroin into your rectum while you're bending over to pick up a discarded boiled sweet. Dr Willis might call me a paranoid maniac, but let me tell you, if there's some trained bloodhound barking out the morse code for J-U-N-K while he's sniffing your starfish, it's a lot better to pull out a flask of barbecue sauce and claim that all dogs love the sweet smell of Smoky Maple than it is to be sodomised to death in a Turkish prison! Take a tip from the Dibster! I know!

Where was I?

Oh yes.

Anyway, I was starving and I figured Metropolis was as good a place as any to get some lunch, especially since I needed to request an audience with Steve Lombard of the Steve Lombard Bounce-N-Bikini Blooper Bonanza - and who should I run into but Cassie, who I hadn't seen since... since...

..since...

...

...since the unpleasantness.

Frankly, it was all I could do not to vomit. But I took a big slug of Hickory Ted's Sweet'N'Hot BBQ and decided to tough it out by pretending that I'd actively been looking for her. Which was smart, because she actually had a bucket-load of real proper clues! Being a detective is great. You can just piss about doing whatever you feel like for weeks and then somebody hands you a Secret Mysterious Folder containing the Next Piece Of The Puzzle. And then you get to take all the credit. It beats real work, I can tell you.

Also, she said that the whole cult was just a big scam, apart from the wife-coming-back-from-the-dead part. Which was sort of the important bit. I mean, I'm sure they were a big scam in that their robes were made of cheap velour and not the finest silk as I'd been led to believe, but in terms of the tiny, small things like, y'know, bringing my charred corpse wife back from the beyond in the body of a stuffed doll, they were surprisingly genuine. You idiot.

She'd made this brilliant deduction because 'Devem' wasn't Devem's actual name. I understand her next job will be tracking down Sting, Madonna and Cher for their heinous scam scandals. And to add the final cherry to her stupidity icing, she told me that The Mysterious Supernova was none other than... Superboy himself!

Which is complete nonsense. I know exactly who Supernova is. The face beneath the expertly-designed mask of Supernova is none other than...

Dr. Robert Amersham Willis, PhD.

Yes! The keys were there all along. Right after Superman disappeared, Willis started in with his Joseph Campbell nonsense, and then Supernova appeared! And they're roughly the same height and they sound sort of alike if you put your hand over one ear. And his powers are based on Jungian symbolism... probably... anyway, all Willis would need is the proper device - a sewing machine! To sew that eye-catching costume. I even know where he got his fantastic powers - the key to his office was obviously hewn from some kind of radioactive mineral! You can tell by his masked confusion when I made that particular pun that I had the 'key' to the whole affair.

No wonder Supernova seemed so incredulous when I told him I'd found out his true identity. No wonder he seemed to be holding back a fit of the giggles as he begged me not to repeat what I'd said. Dr Willis knows how easy it can be to lose ones own sanity to such an incredible shock - the shock of knowing that the man who you thought you could fool has been in on your secret all along! That's right, Willis! They don't call me the World's Greatest Elongated Detective for nothing!

Don't worry, Dr Supernova PhD - your terrible secret is safe with Ralph Dibny! And with the people who read this.

I imagine.

5 Comments:

Blogger Kon-El said...

glad to know it wasn't me that didn't save Booster Gold

2:05 PM  
Blogger Detective Chimp said...

I've checked my findings out once, hell, I've checked 'em out twice, I'm fairly sure I've found out your deduction's no dice. Amersham ain't Nova, no how.

I coulda figured it out sleeping, and when I did, I was barely awake, I know he aint so bad..or well good. So, by god or for whatever god's sake, Dibny, Get off the med's, take some gingold, ad youll see.

Supernova is Bizzaro Dibny! Lord of non-stretching Light!

ciao, the chimp

4:45 AM  
Blogger Wonder Girl said...

Well, excuse me for not being the great Elongated Man, bitchy detective! Sorry for not scrapping dirt from under his shoes, taking it to the elongated cave and putting it in the elongated computer to figure out Devon comes from the land of Bat-guano, Crazy. Last time I give you your mail! So what? They almost brought your wife back to life. BIG DEAL! I know more people that have come back to life than dead ones. I mean, Diana, Superman, Green Lantern, Kon El. Nobody stays dead. Heck! It took a bunch of your JLA pals just to keep your wife dead. Like, “Oh My God! They almost brought my wife back to life!” Pfffffft! I am more surprised your JLA pals managed to keep her dead. And the cult is a scam! You know what Devon made us do all day long in there? He made us pretend we were vice-presidents of African banks and send e-mails to everyone. Mabuto Monguto? THAT WAS ME! The bastard told us pretending to be African bank managers was a noble and beautiful Kryptonian tradition and is what Kon would have wanted from us. So there, SCAM!

By the way, this whole “Oooh! Lets pretend Supernova is not Kon-El when Wondergirl is around” thing you guys have going on here is almost cute. Yeah, yeah, sure, Kon-El is not Supernova… riiiiiiight. But I am smart! I know what you guys are planning. One of these days I am going to enter my house, and Supernova is going to be there, and he is going to take off his mask and he is going to be Kon-El, and he is going to yell “Surprise! I am not really dead!’ and I am going to be all like “Gee whiz! I sure didn’t *wink* *wink* know!” and, and, and… and then EVERYBODY is going to jump out from behind the sofa and yell “Surprise! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!” and and and and and we are going to eat cake with ice-cream, and hotdogs, and popcorn, and I am going to get a Nintendo Wii and then we are all going to play, and I am going to totally PWN Mr. Dibny, cause he called me a poo poo head, but I am waaay smarter than him and everything. But sure, keep going with your little game. It’s almost cute how you guys think you are fooling me with all this.

P.S. Bobby Perez says Christmas without grandma is no Christmas at all.

8:36 PM  
Blogger Jean-Luc Picard said...

It looks like Deanna Troi needs to analyse you.

11:30 AM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

When I want advice from a bald, bignosed gimp who can't even solve the problem of a giant energy-sucking space cloud without calling an interminable committee meeting about it, I'll ask. Go back to the stupefyingly dull alternate future you came from.

9:41 AM  

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