Saturday, December 02, 2006

The Richard Dragon System™ is THE ONLY SYSTEM™!

Hi, I'm Richard Dragon™.

You may know me as the inventor of the Richard Dragon System™, a foolproof method of actualising™ your inner potential™, as well as various other Richard Dragon Brand™ Products™. For this reason, many of my clients think of me as some sort of God, an infinitely handsome Adonis, muscles rippling as I survey my mountain home. And that's true. I am an infinitely handsome Adonis. But really, despite my fantastic command of the mysteries of Zen™ and my impeccable pectoral development, I am, in the final analysis, no more than a mere man.

If you prick me, do I not bleed? No. I don't. Because I've learned the Richard Dragon Supercoagulation Mantra™ which prevents all blood loss upon wounding, a mantra you too can learn for the low price of $49.99, payable to Richard Dragon Incorporated™, Mountain 22, Nanda Parbat™. But despite my ability to stem all blood flow with the slightest thought, I am nevertheless only human. I'm capable of feeling hurt. Betrayed, even.

"Why?" I asked Ralph, as he hung over a bubbling cauldron of boiling oil, steam scalding his flesh. "Why would anyone bother going to the Empty Quarter and wasting their time with the numberless Ten-Eyed Tribes when they could come to Nanda Parbat and enjoy the benefits of the Richard Dragon System™?"

He didn't have an answer. Of course, his head was entirely encased in a terrifying iron mechanism designed to drive spikes into his eyes if he blinked, but that's neither here nor there. The important thing is that I felt deeply hurt that - despite the fantastic, easily-affordable secrets I have waiting for you here at Nanda Parbat™ -- some of you still choose to fritter away your time and money with lesser minds.

Do you honestly think I couldn't grow an eyeball at the tip of each of my fingers if I really wanted to? Do you honestly think I couldn't give you the secret of possessing similar eyeballs for a mere $599.99 per eye - and not just on your fingertips, but on any bodily protruberance you might care to name? Do you honestly think I couldn't slice the dark, brooding paranoia from your very soul itself with a giant knife? I could certainly try, although I would ask you to sign a disclaimer first.

When it comes to my attention that there are good people driven to these charlatans - these grotesque ten-eyed quacks who prey on the insecurities of the psychotically idle rich - well, honestly, it drives me crazy.

And I must be crazy - BARGAIN crazy, that is - to offer YOU these fantastic deals!!

For just 7 days, I'm offering YOU the COMPLETE Richard Dragon System™ for - not two hundred dollars - not one hundred dollars - but just $99.99 plus VAT! Let's see a grotesque ten-eyed mutation offer you THAT kind of once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!

Don't delay - order TODAY for your bargain price Richard Dragon System Package™, including Voice Tapes™, Cauldron™, 1 Gallon of Richard Dragon Easy-Cook Vegetable Oil™ and Blink-O-Matic Eye-stabbing Helmet™.

Be Who You Are. Be You. The Richard Dragon You™.

This has been a public service announcement.

12 Comments:

Blogger Richard Dragon said...

Hi, I'm Richard Dragon™.

Now that Ralph's allowing me to use his online journal to promote Richard Dragon Products, I've decided to do a little work here in the comments section. Ralph seemed happy enough to allow some real freaks to have a free rein here, but under the new Richard Dragon Management™, that's no longer the case. There have been a couple of incidents lately, and a couple of f-bombs, and a couple of people seem to think this blog is about them.

It's not.

It's about me™.

Richard Dragon™.

I'm going to be 'pruning' the comments section regularly - so to speak - and while almost everybody will still have the freedom of speech they always used to enjoy here, there are a couple of plant-based egomaniacs who'll be enjoying a new Richard Dragon Freedom Of Speech™. And under Richard Dragon Freedom Of Speech™, I, Richard Dragon™, had better really, really think what you have to say is funny. Or it's gone.

So try not to respond to anything anybody connected with a swamp says, or you'll end up looking like you were responding to thin air.

This has been a public service announcement.

1:28 PM  
Blogger Green Arrow said...

Right on, man! If I weren't handsome Mayor Ollie Queen, confirmed ladies man, I'd kiss you!

Next time you're in Star City, Rich, swing by the mansion and I'll set you up with the keys to the city!

6:01 PM  
Blogger Detective Chimp said...

Wow, good lord, and a few other frickin' exletives ya just can't say in the apparently now Dick Dragon™ Comment Section.

First time I've ever been happy to see something from this ugly mug.

Though, I gotta admit, about a tenth of the way through, my poor little monkey eyes just glazed over. Too much Dick D. advertising I guess. He just oversaturated my Monkey Market.

But, yeah, holy Richard Dragon shaped Jesus, elongated man, sounds like Ralphie boy should just leave dick the comment section from now on. Least if he keeps us all away from some of those despicable diseases that come from those darned little pesky magic swamps o' podunk u.s.a.

Yeah.

MMMhmm...

Oh...yeah...almost forgot, got an e-mail from something called B.M.@Batcave.com It said the ten eye'd tribesmen wanting to cut the chimp out of the detective, the elongated out of the man, the arrow out of the green...kind of meandered on after that...it was weird, anyone else get that one?

1:46 AM  
Blogger Wonder Girl said...

To Mr. Dragon(tm)

Your karateness, I am sorry I have to change the subject, but can you please ask Mr. Dibny when he plans to return to our cult? We would really like to give his wife's resurrection another shot. Please tell him not to bring his lousy, JLA, party pooper pals this time.

If he doesn't want, or is unable to come, at least convince him to return the straw dummy he ran away with last time we tried. I really doubt Mr. Dibny is using it for anything healthy, and our newest member, Bobby Perez, would really like to resurrect his grandma some time this month.

9:21 AM  
Blogger Richard Dragon said...

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

What's wrong with the Richard Dragon Relative Resurrection Amulet™, priced a mere $899.99 plus tax? Is that not good enough for little Bobby Perez? Sometimes I despair.

Yours Sincerely,
Richard Dragon™.

9:52 AM  
Blogger Kon-El said...

Yay! No more Rape potatoes!

11:24 PM  
Blogger Wonder Girl said...

But I am sure Richard Dragon (pat pending) can hook you up with some Molest-Taters(tm) for an affordable price!

Molest-Taters are 100% organic Violation-vegetables grown by the kind and simple folks of Markovia and a healthier alternative to Rapotatoes(tm). Are you a health conscious internet predator salad on a budget? Molest-Taters are for you!

7:55 AM  
Blogger Kon-El said...

but i don't need or want rapae potaotes or bad cheap knockoffs. They scare me!

3:39 PM  
Blogger Rick Tyler said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4:25 PM  
Blogger Rick Tyler said...

Dick -
Thanks for doing what Ralph had not the requisite balls nor sanity to do, namely, getting rid of Swampy. Dude, could he be any more annoying? This isn't his blog, (well, it's not yours either), and I was just getting sick and tired of reading his rantings. In fact, I had stopped altogether. And don't even get me started about the time he sicced Bane on me. It's a good thing that nothing grows in Nanda Parbat, so that he can't pop up and irritate you. Very little grows in New York either (although I am told that a tree grows in Brooklyn), but he still manages to find ways to come and invade my privacy.
Keep up the good work.
On another note, do you have a paypal account or US address so that I can get some of your voice tapes?

Cassie - are these Rapotatoes any relation to Swampy's yams? If so, I'd stay well clear of them. Take it from an expert - putting unknown chemical substances into the temple of your body is never a good idea. I'm sure that Dick agrees with me on that point.

- Rick

4:31 PM  
Blogger Wonder Girl said...

- Kon El
> They scare me!

See? They are already working! That's quality right there.

- Rick Tyler
> are these Rapotatoes any
> relation to Swampy's yams? If
> so, I'd stay well clear of them.

Dude! If you think I need to be told not to put parts or ex-parts of Salad-Thing's anatomy into my mouth, you are crazier than Ambush Bug. I'll rather eat glass. Like, EVIL GLASS!

8:16 AM  
Blogger Rick Tyler said...

Hey, don't knock Ambush Bug. He was in the JLA! And Starman is waaaay crazier.
(And my wife is hotter than any of Swampy's consorts, children, creations, whatever - so THERE!)
- Rick

11:01 PM  

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