I Can Give You REAL&trade Superpowers - The Richard Dragon&trade Way!
We don't have television here on Nanda Parbat - we have Richard Dragonvision™. Ordinary television relies on a foolish box powered by the idiotic technology of the western world, some silly wires and perhaps a ridiculous satellite or two. But Richard Dragonvision™ uses the purer energies of a team of telepathic monks who pick up the signals with the power of their minds - minds enhanced by the Richard Dragon System™ - and then act them out on a little stage.
Now you may be thinking "No, Richard Dragon™. I like paying $800 for a brand new plasma screen monstrosity every six months. I like giving my hard-earned money to the corporate whores who are busily destroying our ecosystem with their ravenous monetary claws. I like being a moronic fool, a pathetic puppet, a crass, retarded shill for people who would kill my entire family rather than go a single day without bathing their genitals in purest Moet & Chandon." You may be thinking that. But you're wrong.
Imagine watching your favourite shows in Richard Dragonvision™. Imagine watching Aaron Sorkin's semi-watchable drama Studio 60, for example. Wouldn't the tortured, mangled, American-written 'English english' of that one who was in the UK version of The Office sound so much better coming out of the mouth of a telepathic monk named Steve? What if you never had to look at Matthew Perry's face again? I can teach you the secret of never having to look at Matthew Perry's face again. I can teach you to watch HBO with your mind.
It's not TV. It's RDV©™. And it can be yours. For a small consideration.
But I digress. I was watching my Richard Dragonvision™, and Steve - in the role of Lex Luthor - informed me that he, Lex Luthor, not Steve, could bestow on me tremendous super powers. I could, according to Steve's brilliant impersonation of the Lexcorp CEO, divert the course of mighty rivers with my bare hands. I could fly like an eagle or burrow like a mole. I could sprint faster that light itself without even breaking a sweat.
Do you know what I did when Steve informed me of this tremendous offer?
Customer, I laughed.
Luthor is a fool. I'm given to understand his 'super powers' flake and itch. They're unsightly and prone to shorting out at unfortunate moments. They smell. I've had a communication from one 'E.S.Pete' who claims that in order to gain control of the mind of a criminal he must give up control of his bowels. His superheroic efforts have met with scorn, hatred and a cease and desist letter. He asked me what I, Richard Dragon™, could do to help. What could I, Richard Dragon™, do to aid this poor unfortunate man who only wished to rid his streets of crime?
Customer, I laughed.
E.S.Pete is a fool, and like all fools who refuse to follow the Richard Dragon System™, he is destined to live out his pathetic days either toiling in obscurity or wallowing in his own filth. Superpowers cannot be given, my friends. They can only be earned. As the Richard Dragon System™ explains, when you no longer want amazing superpowers, only then will they come to you. And you have to really not want them! Not just say you don't. You have to scream "Get thee behind me, fantastic super energies!" no less than eight times an hour. And mean it.
Take Ralph. As I type this on the keys of my inner mind, he is stark naked, pushing a massive boulder covered with razorblades up a steep, icy cliff-face. If he fails to meet the challenge, he will be beaten with iron poles. If he succeeds, he will be rewarded by being ritually cleansed, in the form of a beating, with iron poles. Every fifteen minutes, I walk out on my verandah and scream at him through a megaphone: "Ralph! Would you like some really brilliant superpowers to help you with that?"
Like a fool, he starts to cry! Weeping tears of want. He does not understand the Richard Dragon System™, but you can, for a small consideration. You could do it in your own comfortable home. Instead of an icy cliff-face, you could use a sofa cushion propped against the wall. Instead of a razor-coated boulder, you could use a bread roll. Instead of being beaten with iron poles, you could have a sandwhich. The principle is the same. The important thing is that you have a tape of my Richard Dragon Voice™, available for $19.99, asking whether or not you want superpowers.
Don't listen to Luthor. His superpowers are rubbish, and I'm confident that they will be the undoing of those who possess them. Whereas the superpowers I can give you are really great, and will be good and not rubbish like Luthor's are. That's a promise. A Richard Dragon Promise™©.
This has been a public service announcement.