Sunday, January 07, 2007

How Dare They

"HOW DARE THEY??" I screamed into the microphone. "HOW DARE THEY?!? They've made a mockery of what the Steve Lombard New Year Funbag Dance Party is supposed to represent! A mockery of a parody of a sham! GET BACK IN THE SKY, YOU SCUM!! Get back in the sky or so help me I'll sue each and every one of your families into the gutter where they belong!!"

Hasty words that I now regret.

That was probably the low part of the New Year broadcast, to be frank, and despite Steve's courageous attempts to contain the damage by cutting off 'Down To Earth' by Curiosity Killed The Cat in mid-song and replacing it with 'I Am A Man Of Constant Sorrow' by The Soggy Bottom Boys, the complaints kept coming in like a tidal wave of bile.

Apparently GBS's complaints department received more calls than the emergency services this New Year's, which considering the circumstances is saying something, although frankly I'm convinced that that was more to do with the abysmal performance of the Skysoaring Neverplummet Dance Troupe than my own tiny blunder. The clue's in the name, guys. I tell you, if Dr Invulnerable hadn't smashed into a substance resembling Chunky Italian-style Pasta Sauce on contact with the hard concrete eighty stories below him, he would be so fired right now.

Anyway, as you can probably guess, I was shown the door, Steve Lombard was fired and it doesn't look like I'm going to be a respected talking head for anybody anytime soon, what with Newstime rushing out that 'Most Hated Man Of 2007 Already' edition with my face all over it. I had a call from the Flash Museum telling me the 'Ralph Room' has been ritually cleansed with fire and another one from my gold statue people telling me that they're building a new statue from base lead showing me pointing at a dead superhero and laughing, with the inscription 'Here Lies Earth's Wickedest Mortal', and it's all going on my bill.

So the suicide thing is on hold until the heat dies down a little - obviously Sue is the number one thing on my mind (or suing people is, anyway, which is almost the same thing) but Hitler shot himself too and I really don't need any more feature articles comparing me with him right now. Seven is enough.

The only real blow was being evicted from my apartment by the landlord - on account of being 'a low-down crumb' apparently - and having to move to Gotham to escape angry mobs. Now I find myself living in a cave, like Osama, and looking out at the fabulous mansions nearby with a terrible envy as I type this journal on my laptop. Actually there's some incredibly good wi-fi in this cave for some reason. It almost makes up for the vermin problem.

Anyway, I hope you had a Happy New Year, and you didn't get too much blood on you. I know my shoes were ruined. That's $100 the City of Metropolis owes me, not that I expect them to pay, the cheap bastards.

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