Sunday, January 28, 2007

The Undead Will Feel My Wrath

After last week my comments section was plagued, literally, by wave after wave of zombies - including Booster, that grotesque shambling abomination, who evidently faked his own death to lust after whorish fame even more and is now making scurrilous accusations about things I allegedly did that never, ever happened, and even if they did I was drunk at the time.

I've taken it upon myself to rid the world of this plague of evil. I'll be doing it without the help of Dr Fate, who seems to have switched his allegiance from noble order to unholy chaos by refusing to pick up the phone, but those zombies should be no match for me, Ralph Dibny, saver of souls, especially when I have zombie-destroying fire on my side!

The first to feel the blazing torch of righteousness will be Hal, since he's fairly close - unless Coast City's on the other coast, I can never remember - but then I'll be setting the torch to Ollie, Booster, Rex, Swamp Thing and anyone else I can think of who has been dead and now isn't. You heard it here first, zombie scum! Ralph Dibny is here to take a bite out of your zombie ways before you take a bite out of an innocent civilian's brain. I know you're thinking about it.

Also, I need to change my email address because these round-robin emails are really starting to pile up, especially from the Question:

From: questionauthority@fightthepower.emo.com
To: worldfamouselongatedman@lexmail.org
22/01/07 11:23

Dear Everybody,

Feel... cough... worsening. Everything's... starting to grow dim. Is... is that you, God? I'm cold... so cold. Oh Danny Boy... the pipes, the pipes are calling... from glen to glen... oh, I can't type anymore, I'm too weak.

This will be my last communication.

Yours,
The Question

---

From: questionauthority@fightthepower.emo.com
To: worldfamouselongatedman@lexmail.org
23/01/07 9:48

Dear Everybody,

I was just thinking about who would carry on my legacy as a faceless crime crusher. Obviously Montoya is available, but she's dragging me up a mountain instead of crushing crime so I'm starting to think she might not be up to the task. She says hi.

Also, my vision is blurring and I think I see angels overhead... is... is that you... um... whatsername... daughter of my ex-lover whose name I forget? I'm sorry I forgot your name, it was a long time ago... My... heart... no... longer... beating... my last words are 'Question the power of The Man'... urrrrgh...


This will be my last communication.

Yours,
The Question

--

From: questionauthority@fightthepower.emo.com
To: worldfamouselongatedman@lexmail.org
24/01/07 16:10

Dear Everybody,

Mustn't. Black. Out.

This will be my last communication.

Yours,
The Question

--

From: questionauthority@fightthepower.emo.com
To: worldfamouselongatedman@lexmail.org
25/01/07 20:38

Dear Everybody,

Today we were ambushed by Nazis and I heroically hurled myself off my deathbed and onto a grenade to save Montoya's life, while shouting 'This one's for you, Sergeant Rock!' It was absolutely f***ing radical and I wish there'd been someone there to see it, but unfortunately I didn't die after all and now my entire body is riddled with shrapnel and also cancer. Added a new word to my delerious ramblings yesterday - 'butterflies'. Feedback is good, so I might craft my last words around that.

So cold. So very cold. Is that you, William Howard Taft, 27th President and 103rd Chief Justice of the United States? I thought it might be... feel... brain... exploding... urrrrggghhh...

Oh Danny Boy... the pipes... the... pipes... are... actually those are rubbish last words. I need to think of something better.

Don't... do... drugs... aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh...

Yours,
The Question

P.S. This will be my last communication.

--

From: questionauthority@fightthepower.emo.com
To: worldfamouselongatedman@lexmail.org
26/01/07 08:01

Dear Everybody,

Montoya started crying again this morning. I'm the one who's dying of cancer, lady. Self-absorbed or what? I don't know. And she's been bogarting all the morphine.

In other news, I'm so cold. Is... is that you, Professor Rodor? Probably, you're an old man and there's certainly no need for you to stick around if I'm going to bite it. Urrrrgh, lungs filling with blood, lymph glands bursting, blah blah blah. Oh Danny Boy. I can feel death's cold hand closing about me... I... I can see an assemblage of great heroes... like Blue Beetle and the old Captain Atom and Judomaster, who's probably dead since I know for a fact he's been replaced by a chick.

What... what's that you say, Blue Beetle? It's... it's my time? But... so hard to let go... urrrgh... must... find strength... to mumble... my last words...

When... when you stand... for what you believe in... and find the strength... to do... what's right... that's... turtle power... urrrrrrrgggghhh...

This will be my last communication.

Yours,
The Question

--

From: questionauthority@fightthepower.emo.com
To: worldfamouselongatedman@lexmail.org
27/01/12:42

Dear Everybody,

I've had a brilliant idea! I'm going to make Montoya drag me around in the shape of a big question mark just before I buy the farm. Also I might get her to put my mask on, but I'm in two minds about that since it could muffle my historic final words. I'll just rip it off if that happens. Oh yeah, plus I'm definitely knocking that 'Danny Boy' crap on the head now and going with the butterfly metaphor I've been working up. Plus I've told her to lay on the waterworks. I want history to see me at my most wise and mentorly.

This is going to be great!

Blah blah I feel cold, aeeeeeiiiigh, what... what is this skeletal face I see before me... gassssssp... is it... the visage... of... death...? Moooooaaaaannn... uurrrrggghhh...

Don't do drugs!

This will be my last etc,

Yours,
The Question.



That was the last one I saw. I've got one new message in my inbox today, but I don't dare to look at it.

5 Comments:

Blogger Green Arrow said...

Up til now I figured you were plenty of things, Ralph, but I didn't figure you for a bigot. Being mortality-impaired myself, your hate speech makes me one sad cat.

But I'm more than than. I stand tall with many other resurrected persons, or, as some of us like to be called, the 'serially exhumed', 'survivors of death' or 'mortality-impaired'. And from this day forth, we will be incorporated as a national association, the Coalition Of Resurrected Persons, the Serially Exhumed, Survivors Of Death and Other Mortality-Impaired, Standing Tall.

As Mayor of Star City, I am proud to announce that C.O.R.P.S.E.S.O.D.O.M.I.S.T will receive funding to provide outreach services to our community.

Furthermore, I will be taking steps to decriminalize the eating of human brains for cultural purposes.

It's a new day dawning, people!

5:45 PM  
Blogger Eric said...

Comedy gold, sir. Comedy gold.

6:35 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

There's nothing funny about zombies, Eric. Particularly not that one! He wants our alive women!

Do you want to see the union of a worm-infesting monstrosity risen from the grave and a living, breathing human, Eric? Hmmmm?

So would I! But sometimes we have to deny ourselves the things we want to ensure we get the things we need, such as Hal and Ollie reduced to smoking ash after the cleansing touch of the flames. So you can wipe that smile off your face, Eric, or I might just do it for you by means of a burning torch.

6:49 PM  
Blogger Kon-El said...

I'm pretty sure I was flame poof before death, so When i come back You'll probably just be annoyin'

and I don't want brains But A texas Bacon double big belly burger would be nice.

10:07 PM  
Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

Can I be a CORPSESODOMIST? It sounds great.

6:09 PM  

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