Sunday, January 21, 2007

You Zombie Bastards

Oh, I see. So it's like that, is it? No sooner to I buy a fat wreath with the word 'Remembrance' picked out in lillies, get my suit drycleaned and book another flight to San Diego than I get another round-robin email from Ellen. It's a similar story of getting a mysterious feeling from the depths of space, only this time it was a feeling that Buddy, while having been dead, was now mysteriously alive for some reason and so the funeral wouldn't be on Thursday after all.

Thanks, Buddy, you monumental asshole.

It's bad enough you bore everybody with your fantastically dull 'abduction story' every chance you get, but now you can't even have the common decency to stay in your grave and be buried. It's not even the first time you've done this either - I remember getting a letter from Ellen saying you'd been run over by a car and then another one the same day saying that you'd hatched out of an egg or something and there was no need to panic. Well hear this, you dying-and-coming-back-to-life bitch - if you ever, ever come back to this planet I will shoot you myself and state in my defense that I figured you'd just come right back to life again. Also, you now owe me $112.60 in total. I suggest taking on the abilities of a mink and then selling your own hair.

In other coming-back-to-life news, I've received an email from somebody calling himself goforthegold@timemasters.kandor asking if I've seen Skeets lately and could I let him know if I do. I really hope this doesn't mean what I think it means.

However, if Booster is somehow alive - I can only assume alive in the form of a rotting zombie eternally cursed to walk in unbearable pain, or I hope so anyway - I'm telling him right now that I will not rest until he's back in his grave where he belongs, and I'll be calling on my good friend and ex-therapist Dr. Robert Amersham Willis, Phd, AKA Supernova, to tear his shambling undead corpse into its component pieces and stuff it into some kind of medical waste bin. So do yourself a favour and cremate yourself now, Booster Corpse.

And that goes for the rest of you maggot-infested scum! The next person who comes back to life I will personally send right back into the depths of Hell, especially you, Barry, you freak of nature. I, Ralph Dibny, have no problem with being the guardian who stands firm at the doors between life and death if that's what it takes to save me the cost of another plane ticket. No problem at all.

Oh yes, and if anyone talks to Ollie, you haven't seen me for months, I'm not living in a cave with a giant penny in it and you definitely, definitely don't know who took a whizz on the Mayoral Portrait and anyway I was miles away in Gotham when I did it so it couldn't have been me.

Okay? Super.

4 Comments:

Blogger SUPERNOVA!!!!! said...

Hey, DIBNY!!! HA! WHO IS LAUGHING NOW!!?? I AM BOOSTER GOLD, BIATCH!!! HAHAHAHA!!! God, I'm so happy I could forgive you for mocking my dead, and being such an asshole, but since Skeets is following me, I won't. Instead, I'll tell the world one of your deepest secrets...

You peed your bed when you were 26 AND MARRIED, and you told your wife that the stain was Gingold!! It is great to be LINEAR MAN! THING YOU'LL NEVER BE, YOU FAILURE, YOU!

7:22 PM  
Blogger Wonder Girl said...

YOU ARE NOT SUPERNOVA! YOU CAN'T BE SUPERNOVA!

Guys... I know you have a lot of fun with this whole "Oooh! Let's fool Wonder Girl into thinking her boyfriend is dead" game thing you have going on... but... but... it's getting too cruel. I mean it. It's getting kinda creepy. It's all a game after all, right?




right?





right, guys?

10:17 PM  
Blogger Green Arrow said...

Way to sour my swell mojo, Dibny. It's my first week back from an invigorating fact-finding study tour of Havana (get well soon, Fidel), Caracas (Hugo! My man! Let's do it again soon!) and Aruba, where I concluded a sister city agreement with the very welcoming and comely Arubans. And here I find you disrespecting that long-suffering minority of people, like myself, who have survived death.

We are people too, you know, and we have feelings. The rotting flesh, the maggots, the stiff-limbed undead shamble - all very hurtful stereotypes, Ralph. I look forward to the day when people are ashamed to think that they ever used the 'Z' word.

Oh, and as for your present whereabouts, you can't fool me, Ralph. I read the clues. You're in the ARROW CAVE, AREN'T YOU! Ripping off my stuff again! Well screw you, chum, I've got other fish to fry - like at the seafood grill at the Aruba Hilton, where I'll be studying new tourist infrastructure next week.

11:35 PM  
Blogger Barry Allen said...

Did you know that Tipler, a Tulane professor of mathematical physics, uses quantum mechanics, information theory, modern mathematics and physics in an effort to prove the existence of God, an afterlife, heaven, purgatory and the physical resurrection of the dead?

5:41 PM  

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