Sunday, February 11, 2007

Dr Irons Needs To Get Off My Television Right Now

Seriously, let's assume you'd almost single-handedly brought down one of the largest and most deadly cases of corporate corruption in modern history, while wearing nothing but a pair of sweatpants, and in the process you'd won a fearsome battle with a ruthless business leader with Superman's powers, despite getting a hole the size of an axe handle right through one kidney. What is the first thing you'd do in that situation? Is it, by any chance, call for a god-damned ambulance?

Or would you in fact - ignoring the fact that your spleen was even at that moment attempting a break for freedom through the ragged hole in your gut - stand on a ledge, look out over an adoring crowd and shill your new weight-loss manual "I'll Diet With A Hammer In My Hand"? Hmmm? I wonder.

He's not even a Doctor of Nutrition. He got his Phd building superguns and 'accidentally' selling them to crack fiends. That doesn't make him an expert on weight loss, even if he did run a hospital for about five seconds back in the nineties. The myth-copying tard. Also, Dr Irons, there's no point telling the cameras how you shed the pounds and got your fantastically ripped torso if the cameras are pointing at the immense hole in said torso the whole time. I paid $4.99 for a burrito that I was then unable to eat because I'd stared for too long at your bloody insides. Is that part of your diet plan? Or do I get to sue you for mental distress?

Anyway, it seems like you can't go two days without flicking on the TV and seeing that guy propped up in his hospital bed saying that YOU - yes, YOU - can take just ten short minutes out of your day to 'Hammercise' the flab away, while chowing down on a precise mix of pure fruit sugars and wholegrains that will leave YOU feeling as if YOU could out-pound a steam-driven hammering machine from before civil rights were invented. And then die. Of heroism!

"And the best place to get that precise mix is in a tasty Steelworks Brand Captain Tommy's Hominy Crunch Bar. You can trust the Captain! I understand he loved John Henry like a son or something. I don't know, I'm a weapons designer, I don't have time to listen to folk music, I'm too busy 'accidentally' dropping a gigantic energy rifle capable of destroying Milwaukee next to a skeevy-looking guy in a beanie hat with an immense gold chain and a ghetto blaster. And then coincidentally picking up a briefcase full of money. With no connection between the two events. Did I mention my girlfriend's in jail for aiding and abetting a known killer?"

"When the trains roll past YOUR grave, will they say 'there lies a steel-drivin' man?' Or will they say 'there lies an obese bitch?' IT'S UP TO YOU. I'm Dr John Irons and I approve this message!"

Those weren't his exact words, but I can read between the lines. Needless to say, Time Magazine absolutely adores the man.

10 Comments:

Blogger Kon-El said...

Yeah he kept tryiin' to sale the diet to me on teamups Then he'd take off his armor during the fight to show off his rock herd abs then get beaten by whatever it was we fighting. How do you think he died in the war woith Apokolyps and Braniac all that time back?

7:42 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Wait, are you saying Irons is... one of them? You know, the z-word. I'm incredibly tolerant, as you know, but those maggot-infested bastards come to the land of the living and take all the jobs! And eat all the brains. It makes me sick!

Shambling, undead zombie scum! The Ghostbusters shall rise again, do you hear me?

8:40 PM  
Blogger Wonder Girl said...

Apropos of empty soulless husks that mock human life, I just saw the pictures of the new action figures coming out.

Here is a bunch of figures from a line called "52". I don't know why it's called that, cause I only count six figures. Notice who is missing? ME! Also you, but mostly me. Even Skeets got his own toy.

Holy Zeus(Hi Daddy! XOXO), even your flying porta potty got his own merchandise.

I can't even get my own degrading masturbatory aid "anime" action figure like Catwoman and Supergirl.

That´s it, I am firing my agent.

7:29 AM  
Blogger Green Arrow said...

Hmm, no Ollie Queen action figure either. Typical. I bust my conk all year and I getted igged again. Yet another example of big business bigotry from the top-hatted cigar-chomping fat cats in the action figure industry.

Well, listen up DC Direct - not me nor any other member of the Coalition Of Resurrected Persons, the Serially Exhumed, Survivors Of Death and Other Mortality Impaired, Standing Tall (C.O.R.P.S.E.S.O.D.O.M.I.S.T), will buy your hincty products until you recognise us and celebrate our beauty in miniature PVC form!

Does DC Direct even realise how many action figure collectors are undead? A lot, that's how many!

3:21 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Buddy dies and comes back to life like he's just having an afternoon nap and he gets one. Face it, Ollie, communism and extreme promiscuity just don't fly with the 8-12 age range anymore... and neither do writhing maggots! Maggot boy.

6:05 PM  
Blogger Archer said...

Hi Ralph - as a long time reader, I'm glad to see you come out so strongly against zombies, which I have always found both terrifying and thematically contrived. That said, how does your new anti-resurrectionist stance fit in with your plan to reunite with your late wife?

12:16 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

Um.

Well... you see...

It's sort of... different, in that... ah...

God dammit, who is this? Is it Arsenal? I bet it is Arsenal. Why don't you go bury yourself in The Skezag as per usual instead of asking ridiculous questions, you heroin-imbibing, child-out-of-wedlock fathering hooligan!

2:27 PM  
Blogger Kid Flash said...

I really don't think there is a connection between the mysterious increase of hi-tech weapons and his salary rise. Some people just have an inate ability to find money. I think youtube is selling the weapons.
It makes sense.
Kid Flash.

12:34 AM  
Blogger Nightwing said...

Zombies take jobs? That would explain New York, hardest working city the batmobile. Why is it then that I can only get a chinese take-out at 3am but not 5.30am? Huff. THat weight loss programe is really getting to me, now every female I know (which is most) are asking me if they look fat. How can they look fat? You're superhero in most cases it equals super fit (take that term either way).
Nightwing.

12:40 AM  
Blogger Nightwing said...

Zombies take jobs? That would explain New York, hardest working city the batmobile. Why is it then that I can only get a chinese take-out at 3am but not 5.30am? Huff. THat weight loss programe is really getting to me, now every female I know (which is most) are asking me if they look fat. How can they look fat? You're superhero in most cases it equals super fit (take that term either way).
Nightwing.

12:40 AM  

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