Sunday, March 18, 2007

This is the final indignity, Mr Hrudnyev.

I don't visit the All-You-Can-Eat Buffet often, and I certainly don't expect much from it - a brief slaking of the pangs of hunger on days too filled with activity to consider a luncheon. But I expect simple courtesy at the very least. Closing your restaurant for four days in a row, without any warning, is not a sign of simple courtesy - it's a sign that I should take my business elsewhere.

Unfortunately, when I have a yearning for Bialyan cuisine, Hrudnyev's is the only game in town. So, day after day I have deposited myself outside the door, hoping against hope that the usually-competent Mr Hrudnyev will get over whatever chronic lazyness is motivating him to stay closed and serve me the fresh salt-buttered jerky with a side order of spiced nmpetva that my tastebuds clamour for. Yesterday I turned up more through bloody-mindedness than anything else, and today I was motivated by nothing more than sheer unmitigated anger, wanting to give that wretch Hrudnyev a personal piece of my mind before I turned and left his establishment forever. I've already decided that I'll be mail-ordering my saffron-coated baked sprouts in their mild hgnitivolek sauce from Bialyafoods.bya from now on, although I can't get their website to load for some reason.

Oddly, I've noticed that the delicatessen has raised the price of Bialyan srntyal by several hundred per cent over the last couple of days, and despite this outrageous price hike, their entire stock quickly sold out and no fresh supplies have arrived to replace it. It seems the forces of the world are conspiring to prevent me from satisfying my cravings.

The worst part is that I know for a fact Hrudnyev is in the building - I've heard various noises from within during my impotent vigils outside, ranging from some sort of mewling yelp, like a strangled sob, to long stretches of weeping, to a loud crash and the sound of a man bellowing "Did you think you could hide from me here, Bialyan scum?" in a vaguely Egyptian accent, but deep and resonant as though used to working the stage at Las Vegas resorts. This was followed by a loud crack, like the snapping of a heavy branch, and a sort of wet tearing sound.

All I can say is that if Hrudnyev has time to listen to loud television dramas, he has time to cook me some food.

I've been so enraged by all of this dilly-dallying on the part of my once-favourite buffet restauranteur that I haven't even looked at the news, national or international, for almost an entire week. I'll look forward to sitting down with the Sunday papers the very second I've finished updating this journal.


Blogger Wonder Girl said...

I hate it when people spoil TV shows for me, so I won't spoil tonight's CNN for you. But, I have a problem and I would like the opinion of the people who comment here.

I have a very young friend called Traya. She is a very sweet kid despite that her dad is an incredibly boring robot. She is lovely, but just a few days ago, the country where she was born was attacked by an insane Egyptian butthat and he killed every living being there.

What I would like to know is... Well, is there a Hallmark card for that? I went to their webpage, but I couldn't find one that expresses "Sorry your country got completely destroyed by a superpowered Egyptian bastard on a five day genocide binge while the superheroes of the worlds didn't move a f***ing finger to save them". I found one with a sad teddy bear, but I am not sure.

We can all sign it and give it to her, I bet that will cheer her up a bit. She was a bit hysterical when she saw the footage in CNN... yeah, not a good idea to let her watch that. She calmed down a bit after a few days, but then she saw this guy with black pants, black t shirt and a yellow silk belt standing outside the house and she has been living under her bed ever since. We didn't think the guy outside was a mad Egyptian, but we threw rocks at him until he ran away just in case. He was probably just a random gay dude.

1:56 PM  
Blogger Green Arrow said...

Hey, little sister - do like Ollie Queen does and buy a goat! Not for your friend - just tell her you bought it in her name. Bialya gets a goat, and Traya gets to bask in your glorious example!

I know for a fact that there's a whole bunch of goats in southern Modora, courtesy of generous Ollie Queen and those flint-hearted heels at the JLA. As we speak, a fleet of Arrow Copters are on an urgent mercy mission to airlift the herd into your chum's homeland.

That's right, it's Ollie Queen's Bialyan Airlift, and if you throw fifty bucks my way, one of those goats can have your name on it!

3:32 PM  
Blogger Dr Robert Willis, Phd said...

According to, which I have been sitting in front of with eyes like dinner plates for roughly the last nine hours, the population of Bialya now consists of eight goats and a hamster, although since all other animal and plant life has been destroyed, the goats are expected to eat the hamster within the next two days before turning on each other in a bloody display of goat cannibalism that will only serve to add further horror to an already unspeakably traumatic scene.

Well done, Mr Queen. Well done.

8:55 PM  
Blogger Wonder Girl said...

I hope the goat with my name on it wins the battle royale! Go, Wonder-Goat! Feast on the blood of your goat brothers!

10:19 PM  
Blogger Kon-El said...

So that's where all the goats with teeth marks in 'em or coming from! I've been letting them into Ralph's Room. He likes 'em despite the cussing and swearing Vengence on me .

2:40 AM  
Blogger jean loring said...

Tsk, no one made a big fuss like this when my sexy ex boyfriend Teh Spectre destroyed an entire nation for laffs the other year. They're both ex JSA members going on genocidal rampages but it's only like a "bad thing" when Black Adam does it? So islamaphobic!

3:26 AM  
Blogger Green Arrow said...

Oh man! What a freaky, frantic, crazy-antic day! But never fear, friends of Bialya, because fast-thinking Ollie Queen has saved the day.

I've just gotten off the Arrow-Phone to my pilot on the Arrow-Copter. He's just turned around and done an emergency airlift of half a dozen Modoran goatherds into Bialya. Once they stop running after the Arrow-Copter, they'll figure out the job they have to do, and they'll do it, like proud sons of Modora!

4:18 PM  

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