Sunday, April 29, 2007

I've tried to be decent about this, but global genocide is really the only option left to me.

I honestly thought when I embarked upon this new career as a supervillain - which is progressing very nicely, thank you - that I wouldn't be one of those who attempted to destroy the entire world. I mean, it hardly seems fair. I thought when I began this course of action that I would be merely dealing the red hand of my bloody vengeance to those who had smited or snubbed me. Or Ralph. No, Ralph, I didn't forget. Those who wronged you shall pay. Yes. Yes, Ralph. Yes... look stop yammering at me, man! Jordan and Queen will die with the rest of them! Shut up! Shut up!

You see what I have to deal with.

Anyway, my death toll was originally only going to be a few thousand. A million at the very most. Just those who have earned my undying enmity. Not many at all. A small snack for my army of mutant spiderhanas.

(I should explain here that a spiderhana is a sort of cross between a tarantula and a pirhana. They scuttle about eating all day - raw meat, mostly. Expensive to keep, but you'd be astonished what you can get on the black market if you're willing to spend a million or so. Needless to say the practice has been pretty much liquidated along with most of my other assets, so if you're still sitting in the waiting room in the hope of wasting my time with your endless neuroticisms - by all means stay there. It'll be a Starbucks next week, and I'm sure they're very good listeners.)

I was all set to declare war only on those who had wronged me. And then you had to go and have your little ceremony.

I know for a fact that Ralph hated Superboy with every fibre of his being. No, they can't hear you, Ralph - only I can hear you, we established that. I'm sure they know why you hated Superboy, you had to stare at his genitals a dozen times in statue form - yes, yes, fine, I'll tell them.

I can't have a moment's peace.

Superboy didn't even have a proper costume. If every sullen emo kid in a T-shirt had their own yearly memorial service, we'd be constantly expected to stand around in public squares sobbing and wearing skintight outfits and anyway it's pretty obvious that Superboy being beaten to death by himself like that was just the Superman Family equivalent of a tearful Evervescence fan slitting his own wrists. It was simply the most efficient way the wretched little turd could do the deed. Now stop giving the pathetic little bastard attention and get on with your lives! All of you!

That was Ralph, by the way. Not me. I'd never think that. But unfortunately the Superboy worshippers are on the death list nontheless.

So you can imagine my concern when Steve Lombard - already destined to be casualty #305 in what will be known to the future as Willis War One - covered the event for GBS, saying that "The whole world must be weeping for the plucky youngster whose bones were shattered for us all! Over to you, Bambi!" I slumped back in my chair, too overcome even to notice Bambi introducing that week's Face You Want To Mace (Because They Hate Freedom) - probably Al Gore again. So it had come to this! The entire world worshipped Superboy! Except possibly the scientologists, and they also must die!

Well, as Emily Dickinson said, it is better to be the hammer than the anvil, and thanks to my foresight in preparing to take on my new career I have just the hammer for the task. Indeed my finger is on the button as we speak. A true gentlemen must allow those he disagrees with the opportunity for a rejoinder, and also the chance to put any outstanding affairs in order, so you have until Friday before I activate my Thanatonotron and detonate the planet like a gigantic bomb. Please confine any protests to the comments section - you'll never find the Hidden Lair Of Doctor Willis, and if you do, the spiderhanas are ravenous and the cost of raw meat is prohibitive in these uncertain times. I think you get my meaning.

The world ends on Friday, by the command of Dr Robert Amersham Willis, PhD! You're welcome.

13 Comments:

Blogger Wonder Girl said...

Hey there! doc, can you do me a favor? If, by chance, you happen to encounter Robin during your supervillain phase, would you please give him a free examination? Robin is really starting to freak me out these days. I think he is getting funny in the head. He is getting totally necro-gay about Superboy. There is nothing wrong with that, cause we live in a free country and... No, wait! What am I saying! The Robin-Superboy gay is just kinda kinky, but the necro part is totally wrong!

He just changed his costume to be closer to Superboy. Every time someone mentions Superboy to him, he just gets all glassy eyed, and stares at the horizon while patting his chest. And he is even getting weirder! The other day he asked me if I had any Superboy DNA around. Honest! He just walked up to me and asked me if I had any "down there". And I just asked "down there? The basement?" And then he made a little circle with his index finger and his thumb, and then he started putting his other index finger in and out in and out of the circle and said "You know... any Superboy DNA down there!" Then I just rolled up a newspaper and slapped that bastard out of my house. Zeus! I am not Supergirl, I wash it very often! And what does he need DNA for? Is he going to try and clone him back? Zeus, that would be the stupidest thing ever!

Please give him a head examination! He even talks about men with ten eyes and geese inside bottles that don't exist and crazy crap like that. If you can't help him I might be forced to start making out with him and see if he snaps out of the necro-gay.

7:30 PM  
Blogger The Famous Steve Lombard said...

Hello listener and/or viewer! Thank you for taking interest in my, Steve Lombard's, many television/radio/multimedia programs and specials! I am pleased to have you as a fan, and if you would like more information on upcoming radio and television appearances by me, Steve Lombard - Famous Media Personality, sign up for my fanclub mailing list at www.welovestevelombard.com today!

8:26 PM  
Blogger Kon-El said...

BWhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

That's just hilarious! And I'm in one of 52 alternate earths ya get to me!

Wait what's that about Robin? EWWWWWWWWWW!

8:58 PM  
Blogger Green Arrow said...

Not so fast, doc. Clever Ollie Queen is about to foil your super-villainy before it has even begun!

'But how, Ollie?' - I hear you and your readers ask. 'You may be hep and handsome, but how can even you match the doc's evil genius? You don't even know where he is!'

Oh, but you see, I do. Like all super-villains, the doc has a secret weakness - a weakness for dropping clues in the form of brain-bending, aneurism-inducing anagrams!

That's right, I know your secret identity and hide-out, ROBERT AMERSHAM WILLIS... or should I say MISS RITA BLOWER, HARLEM!

The doc's so cocky he's even got Miss Blower's address listed in the Harlem phone book! So you see, readers, I've just dropped by Harlem and scoped out 'Miss Blower', and that Martin Lawrence-style fat suit and walking frame doesn't fool me!

Come Friday morning, 'Rita', Ollie Queen will be at your house - with my arrows of justice aimed at your doomsday bomb, and my size elevens of vengeance aimed at your ass!

11:45 PM  
Blogger universalperson said...

Just watch out for worms with glasses, doctor. I heard they're out in force latley, and they like spiderhanas.

And gaint blue robots from the anti-matter universe. We can never forget about those.

In the meantime, since the world is going to end, how would you all like to join the cult of Darkseid? We have free cookies!

10:49 AM  
Blogger universalperson said...

I hate to double post, but I got a weird message adressed to this blog, possibly from another universe. It reads:

"Mr. Ewing, after reading 52 #52, well, there's a lot of irony here, and I think you know what I mean after reading the issue. Did you read the issue in advance. And thanks for creating this blog"

No clue what it means or who it's for, but since everyone is going to die or obey Darkseid, I figured I'd pass it on...

4:15 PM  
Blogger Dr Robert Willis, Phd said...

I have no idea what that could possibly mean.

5:17 PM  
Blogger Wonder Girl said...

Happy end of the world day, everybody! You all got your VCRs or TIVOs ready to tape the moment Dr. Willis gets knocked out by 'Mazing Man or the Haunted Tank?

8:06 AM  
Blogger universalperson said...

Please. Everyone knows our only savior is the almighty Darkseid...or its one of THEM that Ralph Dibny used to hate so much.

5:53 PM  
Blogger Dr Robert Willis, Phd said...

SHUT UP I AM KNOCKED OUT BY NOBODY! THIS IS THE END... MY BEAUTIFUL FRIEND THE EEEEIIIAAAGGGHHH RALPH NO GET AWAY AEEEEIIIIGHHH

5:54 PM  
Blogger Ralph Dibny said...

OH YEAH.

5:59 PM  
Blogger Green Arrow said...

GODDAMMIT!!! WAKE UP PEOPLE!!! HARLEM ISN'T HARLEM ANYMORE!!!

IT'S LIKE HARLEM-23 OR HARLEM-S OR SOMETHING, MAN!

IT'S ON A DIFFERENT VIBRATIONAL PLANE, MAN!!! THE VIBRATIONS CAN YOU FEEL THE VIBR

4:25 PM  
Blogger PenaltyKillah said...

Cassandra, I sense a retconning. Either that, or Drake's really pathetic. By a scale of Dibny level One Million.

Am I too late?

Hope to see you Gen IV heroes die. And is Stargirl, like, nine forever?

5:08 PM  

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