Sunday, April 08, 2007

Yet again yumyumlovelycocktails402 has destroyed my day.

I should start this off by apologising for Richard Dragon's unnecessary intrusion into this most personal of spaces last week. But I shan't. Because as far as I'm concerned, none of you deserve an apology. Where were you when I fought my lonely war against yumyumlovelycocktails402? Where were you when hostilities opened again on Friday?

Oh, he was my Spring, my Summer, my Autumn!
My Artie Shaw, my Jelly Roll Morton!
Dean Martin's talk, Sinatra's song!
I thought I could beat yumyumlovelycocktails402 in an online auction, I was wrong!
Pour away the cocktail, stub out the jazz cigarette,
Dismantle the trumpet and pack up the clarinet
Let the stage lights flicker and grow dim
For I'm going to kill yumyumlovelycocktails402 when I get my hands on him.

I'm sorry, I've been drinking. You would be too if you had a once-in-a-lifetime chance to buy the most important musical legend of your generation and bloody yumyumlovelycocktails402 got in your way again.

On Friday, I had the chance to buy Black Adam on eBay. I immediately put every single liquid, solid and gaseous asset I had together and came up with $1,025,343 including the office, the house, the yacht, the Hummel figurines, the couch, the prosthetic leg and my father's ashes which apparently Keith Richards will pay handsomely for.

I swept onto the auction with a cool million, sure that this was more than enough to buy such a phenomenal item of memorabilia - I mean, enough to rescue Black Adam from his tormentors. Little did I guess that yumyumlovelycocktails402 was at that very moment making his foul plan to thwart my dreams, the cocksucker.

I've had a number of gins since then. You would have too if you'd been denied the chance to have the Egret Of Egypt sing in your home. Suffice to say that yumyumlovelycocktails waited until the very last moment of the auction earlier today and then put forward a bid of one hundred million dollars, and then to add insult to injury he put Black Adam up for auction saying that people hadn't been trying and there had to be someone out there who wanted to buy him and wasn't a swing enthusiast. A personal insult! Probably.

How dare he. Or she. Cocktails and their loveliness are a language that reaches across the gender divide. I don't care, his or her days are numbered regardless. Do you hear me, Mr. or Ms. lovelycocktails402? Your life is mine!

You have earned this night the vengeance of Doctor Robert Amersham Willis! PHD!

Oh God.

I think I may be ill.


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