Sunday, May 06, 2007

Heaven Can Suck It

Seriously, it's the most boring place in the world. I mean, technically it's not in the world, but still. At least in Hell you got a decent cup of coffee. Jesus.

I couldn't even say Jesus out loud because every time I did this beardy middle-eastern-looking guy called Yeshua would pop up and ask if I wanted anything. Seriously, the guy had this pager and every time somebody in the world said 'Jesus Christ' the thing went off, so there was this constant beeping any time he was around, and considering he was by his very nature everywhere at once, that was pretty goddamn constant. And then half the time it's somebody stubbing their toe and the other half it's somebody wanting him to blow up an abortion clinic or typhoon the gays or something.

Yesh had his work cut out for him without all that. "Seriously," he'd say, "it used to be in the middle ages that people would work their entire lives in a muddy swamp or a patch of desert or something, living off insects or being whipped daily by their fuedal lord and stuff. So we get them up here and put them to work on the right hand of Dad singing hosannas and they're so happy to not have bubonic plague anymore that doing some fine choral numbers for all eternity seems like everlasting bliss, you dig? But now we've got all the spoilt assholes who want to bring their SUVs and their plasma screen TVs so they can watch all the sinners frying in Hell and they ask who I am, and I tell them, and they say no, he was a white guy, you're a goddamn ay-rab terrorist by the look of ya, and then they all want to meet Elvis, and they can't, because he's still alive, so they start saying about how they're going to take their business elsewhere and convert to Zoroastrianism so then I have to dress up as Elvis and nobody's satisfied because I'm a goddamn ay-rab terrorist apparently. Did you want a coffee or something? I'm buying."

But we never took him up on it. Because the coffee in Heaven sucks.

So basically I figured it was time I got back into the detective game, seeing as I am the greatest detective who ever lived, and Sue wanted to become a ghost because that's a lot more interesting than just being dead, plus you get to meet people and travel around the world if you're haunting a cruise ship or something. So we decided to combine the two.

Yeshua wasn't having any of it, needless to say. Apparently the Spectre is already being a dead ghost detective because the Spectre is a god damned hog and just being a grim spirit of vengeance isn't enough for him. So Yesh was saying that if we went off and had fun being ghosts, everybody would want to do it and we were nice people and everything or Sue was at least but he really couldn't make an exception. We'd be staying on this side of the veil for all eternity and that was all there was to it.

And then a giant alien butterfly ate him.

Seriously, this gigantic space insect just erupted into Heaven and ate Jesus. And then he started eating Heaven for good measure until he was chased away by what looked suspiciously like Booster Gold. Both of him. So thanks for destroying Heaven, Booster. I'm sure when you're called to account in the next world for being an incredible famewhore your callous murder by space butterfly of the enchanted saviour prince of legend won't count against you. Much.

Anyway, we escaped in the confusion and found ourselves in a post-nuclear hellscape ruled by men in suits of armor riding gigantic dogs, which apparently is Earth-17. It turned out that because of Sue's love of eighties electronica she had in fact gone to Heaven-17 - unfortunately Heaven 17 themselves were not there as they had given in to Temptation and were at that very moment being tormented by adorable creatures with unacceptable features. In Hell. Which I understand is just the high cost of loving.

Anyway, we finally got back to Earth on the Friday.

Obviously I wasn't expecting to have to engage my therapist in a life-and-death struggle for the fate of the planet. And I definitely wasn't expecting to have to do it in a kindergarten classroom. I mean, no sooner had I used my ghostly powers to look in on what Dr Willis was up to - voyeurism being the number one pasttime of all ghosts and Superman - then I found him boring up through the floor of a playschool in some kind of fire-spouting burrowing machine, with an army of half-pirhana half-spider monsters and the most bizarre outfit you ever saw. I mean, Dr Willis isn't a thin guy. A skintight green and purple outfit covered with skulls and a giant 'W' isn't going to suit him. And the really wierd thing was that he was answering his comments at the time. There is such a thing as internet addiction, Dr Willis.

Anyway, to cut a long story short, he was all like, "my bomb will destroy the world!!!", and I was all like "must... use... poltergeist power!!!!" and then I clocked him one and Sue beat up his Giant Scorpirhana Queen before it could birth a new generation of criminal fish-scorpions who liked to rob banks and then I said something like "looks like this mystery had a real 'sting' in the 'tail'!!!!!" and Sue said that was totally my coolest mystery-solving end line ever. And then I kicked Dr Willis really hard in the face until he started crying. It was unbelievably awesome.

Anyway, now that I'm dead and I beat up my therapist and sent him to jail for trying to destroy Planet Earth with a huge bomb and an army of half-insect pirhanas, I guess I can finish off this journal. I am completely cured, after all, as Doctor Willis's face will be happy to tell you, particularly the back teeth I have in a little jar in my trophy room.

So I guess this is it.

Although I should mention there was one more wierd thing that happened on Friday. After we'd beaten Dr Willis like a red-headed stepchild we went to get coffee, and when we came back for the press conference, we stumbled into something out of a nightmare. A nightmarish nightmare.

Just before Willis had burrowed up through the earth in his Infernodrill Tank, the children in that classroom had all taken out their pads and crayons and started drawing something - something I hoped I would never see again, but that seems destined to follow me into the grave itself. Every single one of those children drew the same awful apparition on that paper, and it's no wonder that poor teacher had hysterics and one of the cops blew their own head off while the other took sanctuary in a monastery.

I never thought I'd see Superboy's penis again.

But sketched in crayon it is more hideous than ever and must be fought at every turn. Clearly, while the terror of Superboy's engorged thang is looming over the world, there is no time for a detective, even a ghostly detective who just saved the entire planet from Robert Amersham Willis's dastardly schemes, to be sitting around blogging. Not when he could be sipping cappucinos in Milan, anyway. Also the guy at the internet cafe actually died of fear while I was writing this entry with my transparent ghost fingers, and I don't want too many of those on my conscience. Not unless I want to end up like Martyn Ware.

So at this final stage, before I say my last goodbye and float off into the sunset with my beatiful wife, I really should thank all my readers for putting up with me for this past year.

But I'm not going to because you can all suck it. Do you hear me? Suck it! You won't have Ralph Dibny to kick around anymore!

I am the world's greatest detective and Batman is a ho!

A HO!



Ralph William Dibny
1960-2007

41 Comments:

Blogger Green Arrow (Connor Hawke) said...

Hello. Connor Hawke, Green Arrow II, here. My father, Oliver Queen, informs me that he has numerous friends and fans at this blog, and that they may be interested in his recent activities, and in certain opinions that he has recently formed, in connection with Miss Rita Blower of Harlem, NY.

This is not the appropriate time or place to go into all the details of the incident last Friday morning, but may I take this opportunity to extend to Miss Blower, her family and her neighbours my family's sincere apologies.

I'm pleased to advise that Miss Blower herself appears to have sustained no lasting injuries, and that the damage done appears to be limited to the Miss Blower's front door, window, sitting room coffee table and certain of her personal wearable effects. May I assure readers that Team Arrow is committed to affording complete restitution to Miss Blower - in fact, I personally have already taken her to be fitted out at World's Finest Wigs.

As for Dad, I'm happy to say that he is now back with us in Star City and recovering nicely. Doctor Mid-Nite has successfully removed the boxing glove arrow from where Miss Blower inserted it, and his broken bones will heal.

Emotionally, Dad is still in a pretty fragile place. This morning, for instance, he claimed to have seen the face of the late Mr Ralph Dibny peering at him from his bedpan. So please, no visitors just yet.

Ciao ciao

Connor.

5:14 PM  
Blogger Kon-El said...

Bwhahahahahahhahahahahahaha! You can never escape me Dibny. While i have escaped Deat, and i'm am living comfortably in an Alterante Earth. Oh Yeah Suck it right back at ya!

Happy retirment Dibny

7:24 PM  
Blogger universalperson said...

Ralph, you're one of THEM! Like Booster and Animal Man and Green Arrow!

We have to get rid of you now! FOR THE GLORY OF DARKSEID!

6:50 AM  
Blogger Wonder Girl said...

Awwwwww! Is it over now? No chance of 52 weeks more, perhaps as a countdown to ah... something? Come on, do it for Black Adam; the poor guy could use some cheering up these days. Just yesterday I was walking back from school, and someone grabbed my arm. At first I thought someone was trying to mug me or something, but then I turn around and it's freaking Black Adam just there pulling my arm. I think he was trying to dismember me. The poor guy pulled with all his strength, which is not very super these days, for a few minutes. Then he grabbed my head and tried to pull it off. He looked so sad I didn't have the heart to stop the poor guy. After a while he gave up and started to cry. I gave him a dollar. Not in the hand, cause I didn't want any more of his hobo-stench on me. I just dropped the dollar on the floor and walked away.

By the way... you were 47 years old? You didn't look so old. No wonder you smelled like old people, though.

Oh well, See ya in the funnies as they say.

10:02 AM  
Blogger TheWatcherUatu said...

I am quite pleased that your reality was not destroyed utterly, but merely split irrevocably into 51 other, separate quantum realities that were chewed by a space moth of astronomical proportions. Surely, fortune smiles upon you, Ralph. Except, of course, for the untimely deaths of you and your wife...

7:47 PM  
Blogger 雪糕 said...

Since it is the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.............................................

5:56 AM  
Blogger 119 said...

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7:55 PM  
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精彩,thanks!........................................

2:03 AM  
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It is easier to get than to keep it.......................................................

1:37 AM  
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3:41 AM  
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8:03 PM  
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5:38 PM  
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12:17 AM  
Blogger 730A_ngelinaRabideau0 said...

Govern your thoughts when alone, and your tongue when in company...................................................

2:04 PM  
Blogger 采瑩采瑩 said...

男女互悅,未必廝守終生,相愛就是美的。 ..................................................

2:04 AM  
Blogger MinB2139 said...

若有人問你成功時會不會記得他 試問若你失敗時他會不會記得你 ............................................................

12:17 AM  
Blogger 玫友 said...

恨一個人,比原諒一個人,更傷力氣。..................................................................

11:56 PM  
Blogger 俊賢 said...

你真的很棒~謝謝分享囉~......................................................................

10:58 PM  
Blogger 江婷 said...

Pay somebody back in his own coin.....................................................................

3:33 AM  
Blogger 致念致念 said...

Pen and ink is wits plough.................................................................

12:19 AM  
Blogger 靜宸靜宸 said...

人生是故事的創造與遺忘。............................................................

3:57 AM  
Blogger 吳婷婷 said...

人生是故事的創造與遺忘。............................................................

8:46 PM  
Blogger 香昱信張君林 said...

Poverty is stranger to industry.............................................................

12:03 AM  
Blogger JasonBirk佳琪 said...

不簡單..一路走來辛苦了-..................................................................

1:20 AM  
Blogger dawsonfelicia張君dawsonfelicia均 said...

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3:16 PM  
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我的老天爺~內容真是太棒了..................................................................

12:34 AM  
Blogger 俊成俊成 said...

人們不缺少力量,他們缺少意志。..................................................

4:47 PM  
Blogger 香昱信張君林 said...

快樂,是享受工作過程的結果............................................................

2:16 AM  
Blogger 賴珈慧賴珈慧 said...

Practice what you preach.............................................................

11:38 PM  
Blogger 張家弘翁書豪 said...

耐心是一株很苦的植物,但果實卻很甜美。..................................................

11:38 PM  
Blogger 曹韻婷 said...

Offence is the best defence...................................................

10:59 PM  
Blogger 凱v胡倫 said...

傻氣的人喜歡給心 雖然每次都被笑了卻得到了別人的心..................................................................

11:34 PM  
Blogger 家唐銘 said...

愛,拆開來是心和受兩個字。用心去接受對方的一切,用心去愛對方的所有。......................................................................

1:46 AM  
Blogger 蔡曼鄭美玉屏 said...

不願彎腰撿拾一根針的人,永遠不值得一塊錢。............................................................

8:28 AM  
Blogger 易強青易強青易強青 said...

永遠不要躊躇伸出你的手。也永遠不要躊躇接受別人伸出的手。.................................................................

10:40 PM  
Blogger 峻胡邦慧v帆 said...

認清問題就等於已經解決了一半的問題。..................................................

4:34 AM  
Blogger 怡靜怡靜怡靜怡雯 said...

良言一句三冬暖,惡語傷人六月寒。............................................................

5:59 AM  
Blogger 佳張張張張燕張張張張張 said...

No pains, no gains.......................................................................

6:02 PM  
Blogger 王雅俊 said...

看到好文章心情就很好 ^^............................................................

7:03 AM  
Blogger 石JaquelynS_Whitesi白 said...

在莫非定律中有項笨蛋定律:「一個組織中的笨蛋,恆大於等於三分之二。」..................................................

7:03 AM  

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